- Joe Pesci: Oh, Frankie, how are you? Let me tell you something, folks. It is truly an honor to have you sit here...
- Frank Sinatra: [interrupting] My time on earth is short, half-pint. I get the point. You bought my records, you loved my movies, your favorite aunt used to lock herself in the bathroom with a picture of me and a jar of olive oil. You're a fan! Next question.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Actress Sherry Stringfield announced this week that she is leaving the hit series ER. Several actors have already expressed great interest in the part, including Shelley Long and David Caruso.
- Debbie Rowe: That's unfair, Mr. Sinatra. That's unfair.
- Frank Sinatra: You know, I'd keep my trap shut if I were you, Hot Lips. You look awful familiar. I think I gave you a practice insemination in my dressing room at the Irvine Meadows back in 89!
- Gary: Texaco has always been kind to me. Twenty years ago, I graduated from MIT with a degree in Fossil Fuel development and Geological Research. I was top of my class. And then Texaco brought me into their organization, and I've been pumping gas ever since! Thank you, Texaco!