- Lorne Michaels: Eh, you see, I have this business where I sell guns to gangs who sell - they sell me heroin, that I trade for Asian child brides, which I then sell to buy chemical weapons, which I give to Iraq.
- Sam Donaldson: To all these Doubting Thomases who say this scandal has effected us in the news, I say: balderdash! Americans are smart enough to tune in to programs like this one, where hard news is delivered, while sitting on an ass!
- Cousin Fran: [after opening a gift] Great! A golden 'F'.
- Karen: 'F' for 'Fran'. I thought it would look pretty on your suit.
- Cousin Fran: It's my mother's suit. I had to leave her home, naked in a chair.