- [on "Celebrity Jeopardy."]
- Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I'll take "The Rapists" for $200.
- Alex Trebek: That's "therapists", not "the rapists".
- Alex Trebek: And the answer is: You usually drink water out of one of these.
- [Sean Connery buzzes in]
- Alex Trebek: Sean Connery?
- Sean Connery: A leather glove.
- Alex Trebek: No.
- [Minnie Driver buzzes in]
- Alex Trebek: Minnie Driver?
- Minnie Driver: A toilet.
- Alex Trebek: That is awful.
- Alex Trebek: It's time for Double Jeopardy, let's take a look at the board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables", "Literature"... which is just a big word for books... "Therapists", "Current U.S. Presidents", "Show and Tell", "Household Objects", and finally, "One-Letter Words".
- Alex Trebek: [after Jeff Goldblum marvels at the buzzer rather than answering the questions] And you're an idiot! The answer was..."A Glass".
- Sean Connery: [triumphantly gestures his arm] Then the day is mine!
- Alex Trebek: Technically, it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he is a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again.
- Sean Connery: Oh, I'll play your game, you rogue! Let's try "The Rapists" for $20.
- Alex Trebek: How about Show and Tell for $600? I'll just show you an object and you'll tell me what it is, ok?
- Sean Connery: [Sean Connery buzzes in] It's a man with a moustache!
- Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I'm not the object, I haven't shown it to you yet.
- [Trebek takes out a hammer]
- Alex Trebek: Here it is. Name this object.
- [Minnie Driver buzzes in]
- Alex Trebek: Minnie Driver.
- Minnie Driver: It's a popsicle!
- [timer sounds]
- Alex Trebek: No.
- [Jeff Goldblum buzzes in]
- Alex Trebek: Jeff Goldblum, name this object.
- Jeff Goldblum: Yes. Uh,. thank you. That's a... uh... a what-do-you-call-it when you... umm... When you... when you punish criminals in... uh... days of yore. It was a... And you'd put them in the... uh... the square in those... you know... uh...
- Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?
- Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly!
- [timer sounds]
- Alex Trebek: It's a friggin' hammer!
- Jeff Goldblum: Well of course it is.
- Sean Connery: Now listen to me, you back off Trebek! You wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of ya!
- [to Jeff Goldblum]
- Sean Connery: This guy reads from a card!
- Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents" for $400.
- Weekend Update Anchor: It appears as if the Chernobyl nuclear plant will remain open despite a promise made to close it by 1995. Community leaders are happy because the plant provides desperately needed work for the local townspeople, many of whom have children with eight mouths to feed.
- Mango: Can you catch a falling star without burning your hand? Can you put the sky in your mouth? Can you say to an earthquake: 'Hey, hold still for a second'. No! Such is Mango.
- John Goodman: Can you paint the stars in the sky, can you tell the thunder to be quiet? Can you take a rainbow... and put it... uh, well... well, you know... you know what I'm saying, right? Such is Mango.
- Weekend Update Anchor: According to a poll in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of American women think Hillary Clinton will leave her husband when his term of office ends. Meanwhile, the other 68 percent of the women said that he promised them that she would.