- Janitor: [Carla and the Janitor are looking for a missing patient] Well, the good news is his head isn't in the storage room. Because I once found a head in the storage room. It's a funny story actually - I put it in my locker cause I didn't have time to get to the lost and found. Went on a long weekend, forgot all about it. Come back to work on Monday, open my locker - WHA! Head! Plus, rats! I panicked, I didn't know what the hell to do, SO, I grabbed the thing and I ran up to the roof and I punt it... and I shank wide left like I always do. Now - it's heading straight down right for Kelso, sitting in his convertible. I'm done, out of a job right? Wrong! At that second a hawk flies in, grabs the thing, and flies off with it. And I know what you're thinking - we're in the middle of a city, what's a hawk doing there?
- Carla: I can't believe you get a locker and I don't.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: It's our annual blood drive & I need a volunteer to dress up as our mascot, Mr. Prick... We... may have to change the name.
- Dr. Munson: Ok ok, so you're both fertile yet you're still unable to conceive, so. How often to you make love?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Twice today...
- Carla: Actually it was three times.
- [looks at Turk]
- Carla: You were asleep for the last one.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.
- Carla: He is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, she was skinless.
- Dr. Munson: Ok, stress is often a factor in conception. So tell me, do you think stress might be an issue?
- [flashback]
- Carla: I swear. If you don't knock me up tonight... no more sex until you steal me a baby. So do it right this time.
- [back to presence]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: A little stress
- [Carla gestures a "tiny bit" with her fingers]
- Patient: Yeah, I'm auditioning for my church's senior citizen production of Street Car Named Desire. Would you mind running lines with me?
- [hands Dr. Cox a script]
- Dr. Perry Cox: [taking the script and reading it] Yeah, I'd be happy to.
- Patient: [reading from the script, speaking with heavy country accent] If I didn't know you was my wife's sister, I'd get ideas about you.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [over acting using hand gestures] I can't believe you think - I would do this with you - Seriously, I'm a doctor.
- Patient: [looking confused at Dr. Cox] What page are you on?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sometimes you've got to go the extra mile with patients. That's what makes me such a special doctor.
- Dr. Perry Cox: That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth, seamlessly, between male and female genitalia.
- Carla: How was your first stress-free day?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Horrible. And you?
- Carla: Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [looking extremely shocked] Not helping with the stress.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm so sick of this. If the jobs were given to whoever's the best surgeon, I would get all three of those damn spots.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: It's the same on the medical side, I swear. The only reason I got that oncology rotation is because I let Dr. Morgan take me as his date to his brother's wedding.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Ricky Morgan?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Mm-hmm
- Dr. Christopher Turk: He works in the cafeteria.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [shocked] What?
- Dr. Ricky: Dr. Reid, I need to meet you in radiology to uh, you know, go over some test results.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, it's over Ricky.
- Dr. Ricky: [takes off his white coat and looks at the janitor] I know you're stealing trays. Stop it.
- [walks away]