Scrubs (TV Series)
My Malpractical Decision (2004)
Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian
Quotes
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Dr. Christopher Turk : J.D., big news! Guess what my new cell phone number spells?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Why'd you get a new cell phone number. Your old number spelled kufunninapuh.
Dr. Christopher Turk : Yeah, well this one's 916-Call-Turk. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is call Turk!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : How am I supposed to remember that? I'm begging you, stick with kufunninapuh.
Dr. Christopher Turk : Come on, man, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me besides getting married.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : She's not here.
Dr. Christopher Turk : It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
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Dr. Bob Kelso : Shore it up, people. Neena Broderick's in the building.
Ted Buckland : [yells] WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [narrating] As tactless as it was to yell that in a room of very sick people, Ted had a point.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : For your information there's a certain foxy nurse that requested my services at her apartment just last weekend.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [scene cuts to J.D. fixing a bed] Hold on, I'm almost there.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Okay! Your new bed's all in! What now?
Foxy Nurse : You leave.
[makes out with her boyfriend]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [to himself] Still don't understand why he couldn't do it.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Okay, I'm confused. I thought you weren't interested in me.
Neena Broderick : Well, maybe I just said that to make it easier for you. Or maybe I said it because I knew you'd do what wanted you to do. I'm not sure.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : You know, if you really wanna piss him off, we should follow him to his office and just have sex in front of him. Ahhhh, that would never work, I couldn't perform. It's a mentor thing.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Why are you doing this?
Neena Broderick : I love my dad. I'd do anything. But if it makes you feel any better, I think you're really sweet.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : How am I supposed to believe that?
Neena Broderick : Well, you can't. I already lied to you once so the trust is broken, even though I'd never lie to you again.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Really?
Neena Broderick : Who knows.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : What are you doing here?
Dr. Elliot Reid : Ah, hiding from Doug. He asked me a question I haven't answered yet. You?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I was trying to make a dramatic exit. I thought this was a patient's room.
Dr. Elliot Reid : Right.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : All right, even if I am a little desperate, Neena was not playing me.
Neena Broderick : I was playing you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : You're just saying that because he's here.
Neena Broderick : No, I manipulated you.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : You're just saying that because he's here.
Neena Broderick : Okay, we seem to be a bit of a loop here, so I'm just gonna step over and talk to this one.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it's our medical obligation to treat him whether his daughter is a murderer, a drug addict, or a terrorist.
Dr. Perry Cox : I know, but a lawyer?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Even a lawyer.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : But CALL-TURK is eight numbers.
Dr. Christopher Turk : I know, actually it's just CALL-TUR, but I'm hoping people will dial the K anyway.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I'll always dial the K for you.
Dr. Christopher Turk : You're a good friend.
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Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Voice over] Wait, is she in to me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs.
[Out loud]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no *body* to go with.
Neena Broderick : [cracks up] That's really funny!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Voice over]
[Smugly]
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Well that's not a fair test - that joke's hilarious.