Photos
Quotes
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[Jerry is trying to figure out a way to get out of admitting he watches "Melrose Place"]
Jerry Seinfeld : Maybe I can beat the machine.
Elaine : Oh? Who do you think you are? Costanza?
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George Costanza : I told her the truth.
Jerry Seinfeld : As you see it?
George Costanza : Yes, as I see it.
Jerry Seinfeld : Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?
George Costanza : What hat?
Jerry Seinfeld : You know, your little hair hat there.
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Lou : What's your name?
Jerry Seinfeld : Jerry Seinfeld.
Lou : What is your address?
Jerry Seinfeld : 129 West 81st Street.
Lou : Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?
Jerry Seinfeld : I don't know.
[the pen moves back and forth on the polygraph paper]
Lou : Did Billy sleep with Alison's best friend?
Jerry Seinfeld : I don't know.
[Lou and Sgt. Tierney look at each other as the pen continues to move back and forth on the polygraph paper]
Lou : Did Jane's fiance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it?
Jerry Seinfeld : I don't know.
Lou : Did Jane sleep with Michael again?
Jerry Seinfeld : [finally snaps] Yes! That stupid idiot! He left her for Kimberly! He slept with her sister! He tricked her into giving him half her business and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again! I mean, she's crazy! How could she do something like that?
[He tears off the lie detector and storms out]
Jerry Seinfeld : Oh, that Jane! She makes me so mad!
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Elaine : Hey, is George still wearing that toupee?
Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah.
Elaine : Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing?
Cosmo Kramer : I think he looks fantastic.
Elaine : Oh, come on.
Cosmo Kramer : No, I never realized what an attractive man he is.
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George Costanza : I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic. It's a pleasure.
Jerry Seinfeld : Good to have you back.
George Costanza : And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.
Jerry Seinfeld : She's as good as anybody else.
George Costanza : Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.
Jerry Seinfeld : You know, you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.
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[first lines]
Jerry Seinfeld : The whole concept of the wanted poster has gotta be the most wildly optimistic crime-fighting idea. I mean, so, how does it work? Okay. I'm on the line at the post office. I see the guy. I see the list of offenses. I check the guy standing in line behind me. If it's not him... That's pretty much all I can do. Okay. It's not that I don't wanna help. You know, the annoying thing is, you think, why didn't they hold onto this guy when they're taking his picture? No, we don't do it that way. We take their picture, and we let 'em go. So we get the front and side shot. The front is his face. The side is him leaving.
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Jerry Seinfeld : Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex.
