- Chief Wiggum: We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system.
- Anti-theft System: Car gone Car gone!
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to?
- Anti-theft System: Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!
- Homer Simpson: [Picks up and looks at dirty, grey pair of underpants] These would stop Joan Collins herself!
- Mr. Burns: So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or, if you'd rather stay home you could sing, while I accompany you on the clavichord...
- Gloria: Actually, Monty, I...
- Mr. Burns: Or, I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War!
- Gloria: Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other. The age difference is just too...
- Mr. Burns: Oh, balderdash. It's not important how old you are on parchment, it's how old you feel in the humours!
- Gloria: I'm sorry, Monty...
- Mr. Burns: I don't understand it. I turned around and she was gone, along with my virile younger friend.
- Kent Brockman: Well, according to our poll 49% of the viewers think "he's too old", while 51% think "she's a skank".
- Waiter: Is there any way we can enhance your dining experience by hurting an animal?
- Lisa Simpson: NO!