- Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
- Bart: Thanks, Mom.
- Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
- Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
- Bart: Aye Carumba.
- Marge: Hmmmmm.
- Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
- Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
- Barney Gumble: [belches]
- Nelson: Ha-ha.
- Mr. Burns: Excellent.
- [pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
- Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
- Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?
- Homer Simpson: [answers the telephone wearing only a bath towel] You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.
- Conan O'Brien: [when Bart starts dancing before the TV break] Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance!
- Homer Simpson: Come on, Lisa, say something funny.
- [holds a tape recorded with a microphone]
- Lisa: Like what?
- Homer Simpson: Oh, something stupid like Bart would say. "Bucka Bucka" or "Woozle Wuzzle." Something like that.
- Bart: Damn TV, you've ruined my imagination, just like you've ruined my ability to... to, um... uh... oh well.
- Lisa: I've got a weekend job helping the poor and I'm only eight.
- Homer Simpson: [scoffs] That's not a job, it's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothing! What satisfaction you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!
- [Krusty the Klown cast members are eating lunch]
- Sideshow Mel: Bah! There's cheese in this sandwich. Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant.
- Bart: Sorry!
- Sideshow Mel: Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh, boy! Come stand outside the bathroom. I want to yell at you some more...
- [Mel yells from inside the bathroom]
- Sideshow Mel: Why you little rapscallion!
- Bart: Show business sucks. I'm outta here.
- Krusty the Clown: Next thing you know you're some schmuck working in a box factory.
- Box Factory Manager: I heard that.
- Lisa: [to Bart] Why are you so happy?
- Homer Simpson: Yeah. You kids gotta go to school, I gotta go to work. The only one who has it easy is Marge.
- [Marge is shown scrubbing the kitchen floor, grunting]
- Krusty the Clown: Bart! I need to use you in a sketch.
- Bart: You want me to be on the show?
- Krusty the Clown: It's just one line. Mel's supposed to say it, but he's dead.
- Bart: Dead?
- Krusty the Clown: Or sick, I dunno. I forget.
- Lisa: This biography of Bart came out awfully quickly. It's not even about him!
- Bart: Sure it is! Look at the cover.
- Lisa: But inside, it's mostly about Ross Perot and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.
- Homer Simpson: Ah, Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.
- Krusty the Clown: Hey, kid.
- [He gives Bart a big cloth]
- Bart: Wow! A big clown hankie.
- Krusty the Clown: It's a towel, you yutz. I want you to wash it. You're my new assistant.
- Krusty's fan: [Krusty is sitting on a stool smoking outside the Monstro Mart when a little girl walks up] Will you sign my picture, Krusty?
- Krusty the Clown: Sure kid. Over there.
- [Krusty points to a long line of kids waiting to have they're pictures autographed by Krusty, but it's Bart doing the signing who groans]
- Krusty's fan: I love you Krusty.
- Krusty the Clown: [pointing somewhere offscreen] Over there.
- Bart: Have any of the workers ever had their hands cut off by the machinery?
- Box Factory Manager: No.
- Bart: And then the hand started crawling around and tried to strangle everybody.
- Box Factory Manager: No, that has never happened.
- Bart: Any popped eyeballs?
- Box Factory Manager: I'm not sure what kind of factory you're thinking of. We just make boxes here.
- Conan O'Brien: [to Bart, imitating Conan's trademark dance while a guest on his talk show] Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance.
- Kent Brockman: I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with funny Sonny Storm.
- Bart: [pauses end credits] There's my name, right there--
- [points to his name]
- Bart: Bart Simpson.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Looks more like "Brad Storch".
- Martin Prince: No, it says, "Betty". "Betty Symington".
- Nelson: [punches Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work.
- Kent Brockman: Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead. Try to find a replacement.
- Krusty the Clown: Don't listen to him kid this a birth place of magic where dreams are formed now i need you to go clean out my toilet.