The Simpsons (TV Series)
Bart the Fink (1996)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Clerk in Ape Mask, Krusty the Clown, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Phone Bidder Proxy, Sideshow Mel
Photos
Quotes
-
[Krusty faces imprisonment after being revealed as a tax fraud]
Krusty the Clown : I can't go to jail. I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the best.
IRS Agent 1# : Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary.
Krusty the Clown : *Garnish* my *celery*?
IRS Agent 1# : Please, Krusty, no jokes.
Krusty the Clown : Who's joking? Oy! Oh, I don't know what you're saying. It all sounds so crazy to me.
IRS Agent #2 : It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid. Say, 75% for 40 years.
Krusty the Clown : But I don't plan to live that long.
IRS Agent 1# : [to his colleague] Well, better make it 95%.
-
Krusty the Clown : No offense kid, but your mom's a big dingbat.
-
Homer Simpson : Let's see I'll have an IRSwich with-hold the lettuce, two independent sized shakes and a fudgichino.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen : Fill out schedule b. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.
Homer Simpson : [Homer muttering to himself] Hey Marge. What were your gambling losses last year?
Marge Simpson : $700.
-
Krusty the Clown : [upset about being ruined, to Bart] I was a big cheese, I was a huge cheese! But now look at me- I gotta ride the bus like a schnook, I gotta live in an apartment like an *idiot*!
[starts shouting]
Krusty the Clown : I gotta wait in line with nobodies
[voice gets louder]
Krusty the Clown : to buy groceries
[voice gets louder again]
Krusty the Clown : from a failure!
Bart Simpson : Well if it'll make you feel better, you could punch me in the face.
Krusty the Clown : [prepares to punch Bart, stops] Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.
[Bart leaves, Krusty looks down in depression]
-
Bart Simpson : Come on, Lis, Krusty doesn't want our attention anymore. Let's go worship somebody who has the guts to be a celebrity.
Lisa Simpson : Yeah, Krusty doesn't wanna be a clown. He's happy just being another blue-collar bozo.
Krusty the Clown : Meh.
Bart Simpson : Krusty's tired of having phonies around pretending to be his friends. I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.
Krusty the Clown : Uh... it could happen. Nah, who needs friends? The incessant beep of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need.
[taps the GPS box, which delivers a healthy electric shock]
Krusty the Clown : AAAARGH!
[hurling the box over the side of the boat]
Krusty the Clown : Tell me where you are now, you bastard!
-
Bart Simpson : Are you Rory B. Bellows?
Krusty the Clown : Yes.
Bart Simpson : How about Krusty the Clown?
Krusty the Clown : Sorry, I don't do impressions.
Bart Simpson : Well if you're not Krusty, how come you have the exact same signature as him?
Krusty the Clown : I'm Rory Bellows, I tell ya! And I got a lot of corroborating evidence over here... by the throttle!
[Krusty throws the throttle only to find out the boat is tied to to the dock]
Krusty the Clown : You know you two could've said something 'stead of me making an ass of myself.
-
Bart Simpson : I can't believe Krusty is really gone.
Homer Simpson : Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities. John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin...
[sighing]
Homer Simpson : I wish I were dead.
-
Auctioneer : Lot 67, 32 cartons of pornography.
Jasper : Ten cents.
Phone Bidder Proxy : 12!
Auctioneer : 12 cents to our bidder in Japan. Any advance?
Jasper : [sitting down] Oh, all I brought is a dime. I didn't know there'd be pornography.
Auctioneer : Sold for twelve cents!
Krusty the Clown : [anguished] Oh, my beloved pornography! I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to bed.
Auctioneer : How much for Krusty's bed?
Moe Szyslak : Half a buck!
Auctioneer : Sold!
-
Krusty the Clown : Hey, hey, kids! Now that the feds are calling the shots, this show's got to be a lot more cost-effective. So we had to cut down on the frills like sets, props, costumes, and Sideshow Mel. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun. For example, I sure wish somebody would give me a banana cream pie. Yeah! Uh...
[off-stage, one of the IRS agents non-verbally communicates they don't have the money for it]
Krusty the Clown : I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well, throw something!
[a briefcase is thrown at him]
Krusty the Clown : [holding his eye in pain] Ahh! Oh, that corner...
-
Auctioneer : And now, lot number 2,380, Krusty's private plane, the I'm-On-A-Rolla Gay.
Krusty the Clown : But I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One night, he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.
Patty Bouvier : Hey, Selma, that plane would go great with your new suitcase.
Selma Bouvier : Nah, I just bought it to soak my feet in.
-
Marge Simpson : You'll feel better knowing your money's in the hands of professionals.
Clerk in Ape Mask : Ook, ook. Are you folks ready to go ape?
Lisa Simpson : Mom?
Marge Simpson : A professional in an ape mask is still a professional.
-
Sideshow Mel : I'll miss you, Krusty, I, and all the other sideshows... except Sideshow Bob. But in the midst of our sorrow, we can take comfort in the fact that your elevated blood alcohol level probably helped you burn up quicker. Since you left us no earthly remains, it is my sad duty to unveil this simple memorial.
[unveiling a statue of Krusty]
Troy McClure : Next in our cavalcade of celebrity mourners, Bob Newhart.
Bob Newhart : Um... see, to... to tell you the truth, um... I was just... I'm just killing time here. I was waiting for a-a... . well, a-a different... different funeral to start.
Troy McClure : I'll handle it. Bob Newhart, everybody!
-
Krusty the Clown : They took my money. They wrecked my show. They buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot, but at least I still got my memories. Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion.
[entering, he sees an auction going on]
Auctioneer : And now, lot number 66, a handmade leather suitcase carried by the Krustofsky family upon their arrival at Ellis Island in 1902. A priceless heirloom and historic piece of Krustiana. What am I bid?
Selma Bouvier : 40 cents.
Auctioneer : [after rapid auctioneer babble] Sold for 40 cents!
Krusty the Clown : 40 cents? Ach! My Grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with some veteran.
-
Krusty the Clown : That's it. No more autographs. I gotta go. They're naming a new sandwich after me at my restaurant.
Bart Simpson : [disappointed] Oh!
Milhouse Van Houten : It's okay, Bart. You can share mine.
[lifting up his shirt to reveal Krusty's name on his stomach]
Milhouse Van Houten : Quick, press against me while the ink's still wet.
Bart Simpson : No need. I'm going to get Krusty's autograph the easy way.
[writing a check for him]
Bart Simpson : If he wants these 25 cents, he'll have to endorse the check by signing it on the back. Then, when my monthly bank statement comes, I'll get the check back complete with autograph. No fuss, no muss.
Milhouse Van Houten : That's a good plan, but it won't impress girls like this.
[as he lifts up his shirt, a group of girls nearby groans in disgust]
-
Executor : May I offer my condolences on the untimely passing of your great-aunt Hortense. As her only living heirs, you stand to inherit her entire estate.
Homer Simpson : [crying] Poor Aunt Hortense! Whoo-hoo.
[crying a little harder]
Homer Simpson : Whoo-hoo.
Executor : The only stipulation is that you spend one night in a haunted house.
Marge Simpson : Oh. Isn't that somewhat unusual?
Executor : No. It's a standard clause.
Homer Simpson : Well, luckily, there's no such thing as ghosts.
[cut to them arriving at the house]
Homer Simpson : Yes, there's no such thing as ghosts.
-
Homer Simpson : [after spending the night in a haunted house] Best night's sleep I ever had.
Lisa Simpson : Their tap water tasted better than ours.
Executor : Here you go. $100 each. The rest goes to Ann Landers, as was stipulated in your aunt's will.
Homer Simpson , Marge Simpson , Lisa Simpson , Bart Simpson : Hmm?
Executor : Oh, I'm sorry. I must have continued talking after you left the office. I do that sometimes.
[laughing diabolically, he turns to leave]
Executor : Oh, my.
-
Krusty the Clown : I won't be coming back, kids. I got a sweet life here. The sea air is clearing my lungs. The sun is toasting my pale skin a healthy brown, and most important, I learned that I don't need money to be happy. All that high-living just distracted me from my true calling in life: salvaging sunken barges for scrap iron. Sorry, kids, there's nothing left for me on dry land anymore.
Bart Simpson : But, Krusty, what about all the kids who depend on you to brighten up their afternoons? Are you gonna turn your back on them?
Krusty the Clown : Yes!
-
Lisa Simpson : Hey, you've got a pacemaker scar just like Krusty.
Bart Simpson : And Krusty's superfluous third nipple.
Krusty the Clown : [groaning] Can't you see I don't wanna be Krusty anymore? That's why I faked my death.
Lisa Simpson : But we saw your plane crash.
Krusty the Clown : Yeah, but I wasn't in it.
[narrating over a flashback]
Krusty the Clown : Just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane into a carefully-placed net.
[Krusty hits a rock, then lands on the net]
Bart Simpson : So, now that we've blown your cover, I guess you've gotta come back and do your show again.
Lisa Simpson : [with a nervous giggle] Or kill us.
-
Krusty the Clown : All right, I admit it. I miss the phonies, but that's all I miss. That and Shirley Jones and Marty Ingels' New Year's Eve party.
Lisa Simpson : What about that great feeling you get from knowing you're better than regular people?
Bart Simpson : What about being an illiterate TV clown who's still more respected than all the scientists, doctors, and educators in the country put together?
Krusty the Clown : [throwing his anchor over] Yeah! I'm not gonna let those guys hog all the respect while I'm out here in some stinking tub.
[jumping into the water and swimming back to shore]
Krusty the Clown : That's just what those eggheads want. Well, forget it, Poindexter. 'Cause Krusty's back in town!
Bart Simpson , Lisa Simpson : Yay!
Bart Simpson : [walking along the beach] So, Krusty, what are you gonna do about your tax problem?
Krusty the Clown : Don't sweat it. The life of Rory B. Bellows is insured for a surprisingly large amount.
[his boat out in the water explodes]
