The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer's Phobia (1997)

John Waters: John

Quotes 

• John : Homer, I won your respect, and all I had to do was save your life. Now, if every gay man could just do the same, you'd be set.

• [Robo-Santa chases the reindeer away] 

  Homer : It's a miracle!

  John : No, Ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing.

• Marge : Homer, look! It's a TV Guide owned by Jackie O!

  John : You should see the crossword puzzle! She thought Mindy lived with "Mark."

  Homer : Give her a break! Her husband was killed!

  John : Oh, I know! Wasn't that awful? Hi, I'm John! Can I help you with anything?

  Marge : Yes, I have something that I'd like to sell.

  John : Please tell me it's your hair.

  Marge : No, it's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare, old figurine from the Civil War.

  Lisa : Please don't construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.

  John : Hmm, well see, here's the thing on this. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s, one of the J & R Liquor lads. Two books of green stamps, if I'm not mistaken.

  Marge : Oh, no! Oh no! No, no, no, no! It's a very, very old figurine!

  John : No, it's a liquor bottle. See?

  [Unscrews the cap and pours himself a drink] 

  John : Ah, that'll make your bull run!

• Homer : How can you love a box or a toy or graphics? You're a grown man.

  John : It's camp!

  [Homer stares blankly] 

  John : The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic?

  Homer : Oh, yeah. Like when a clown dies.

  John : Well, sort of. But I mean more like inflatable furniture, or Last Supper TV trays, or even this bowling shirt.

  [He turns, revealing it was Homer's] 

  John : Can you believe somebody gave this to Goodwill?