The Simpsons (TV Series)
How I Spent My Strummer Vacation (2002)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Barney Gumble
Photos
Quotes
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Mick Jagger : [Homer is reluctant to leave the fantasy camp] Aw, cheer up, Homer! It's only rock 'n' roll camp.
Homer : But I like it!
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Mick Jagger : Welcome to Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp, where you'll experience the complete rock n' roll lifestyle, without the lawsuits and STDs.
Homer : Whoo! STDs!
Keith Richards : Now, you're all here for one reason.
Homer : To rock!
Keith Richards : [accusingly] Who said that?
[Homer quickly points at Otto]
Keith Richards : That's right, Otto. We're here to rock!
Mick Jagger : So, get a good night's sleep, and remember, rule number one, there are no rules.
[cheers]
Mick Jagger : Rule number two, no outside food.
Chief Wiggum : [disappointed groans] Aw, what a gyp.
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Taxi Driver : [on TV show "Taxicab Conversations"] Where to, pal?
Homer : [drunk] Talky thing, ain't ya?
Lisa : [watching show] Another proud moment for the Simpson family.
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Marge : That was great, Homie.
Homer : What the hell are you doing here?
Mick Jagger : Camp is over, Homer.
Homer : It's been a week already?
Marge : I'm glad you had fun, but it's time to come home.
Tom Petty : Your mother's right, Homer.
[Marge scowls]
Tom Petty : Gotta get back to the real world.
Mick Jagger : Yeah, we've all gotta get home. My lawn's not gonna mow itself.
Keith Richards : And I've gotta put up the storm windows. Winter's coming.
Homer : Wait. Don't go. I wanna keep on rocking.
[to his fellow campers]
Homer : Come on, guys. A-one, a-two...
Elvis Costello : [pulling up on his motorcycle] I'll take that.
Homer : [Elvis takes his guitar and leaves] No!
Elvis Costello : [coming back] It came with a pick.
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Tom Petty : Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting. But when you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt...
Homer : Boring!
Tom Petty : Will you stop saying that?
Homer : But rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon : And girls that have legs and know how to use them.
Otto : A-And why I can't drive 55.
Tom Petty : You just want mindless generic rock?
Homer : Precisely.
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Squeaky-Voiced Teen : [at a pet shop, Homer licks toads to get inebriated] Are you gonna buy those toads or just lick 'em?
Homer : Lick 'em. Go away.
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Homer : Wait 'til Moe sees how wasted I got without him. He's gonna plotz.
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Elvis Costello : If everyone's gonna pick guitar, I'm not gonna have enough to go around.
[disappointed groans]
Elvis Costello : But there's lots of other fun instruments. Like bass.
[demonstrating a bass guitar]
Elvis Costello : Come on, who'd like to be a bass player?
Homer : [knocking off his hat and glasses] Out of my way, nerdlinger.
Elvis Costello : My image!
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Homer : How'd you get such a crappy job? You a convict or a junkie?
Taxi Driver : Little of both. You got a family?
Homer : Oh, yeah. Wife and two or three kids. Can't imagine my life without 'em.
Marge : [watching on TV] Oh, you big fooler. Pretending not to remember so you could surprise us.
Homer : [chuckling nervously] Yeah, I'm pretty great.
[his taxi conversation continues]
Homer : At the end of a hard day, there's no better feeling than coming home to the people that you love.
Marge : Oh, Homie.
Lisa : That is so sweet.
Bart Simpson : I had no idea, Dad. I just assumed with all the stranglings, you know...
Homer : That my family isn't the center of my universe? Are you nuts?
[on TV]
Homer : Then there's those other days where you just wish you never got married or had kids. One minute, you're a carefree teenager, with dreams of being a rock star or a photographer for Playboy... then bam, some babe gets her claws in you...
Marge : Huh?
Homer : ...and boom, you got a bunch of kids that always needs love. So, whammo, you get stuck in some boring job where they don't let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women. And all you can do is watch yourself get bald and fat and kiss your dreams goodbye.
[he passes out and starts snoring]
Homer : [watching with the family] Aw, I can't believe they took "Monkey Trauma Center" off for this.
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Homer : All right, time for my favorite show.
'Monkey Trauma Center' Announcer : "MTC: Monkey Trauma Center" will not be seen tonight...
Homer : [disappointed] Aw.
'Monkey Trauma Center' Announcer : ...so we may proudly present this much cheaper show.
Taxicab Conversations Announcer : [sultry voice] "Taxicab Conversations."
Lisa : Hey, I read about this show in "Teen Modern Maturity". They film passengers with hidden cameras and catch them at their most uninhibited.
Marge : That explains that.
Female Cab Driver : [leaving a nightclub, Disco Stu gets in her cab] Looks like somebody got down tonight.
Disco Stu : Disco Stu always gets down, baby. 'Cause when the beat is hot, the...
[sighing]
Disco Stu : Hey, can you keep a secret?
Female Cab Driver : What is it, hon?
Disco Stu : [dropping his act] I hate disco. It's all I've talked about for so long that people think I'm a one-note guy. It's just getting harder, you know?
Lisa : I had no idea Disco Stu was so complex.
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Homer : [drunk] I'm out of here.
Moe Szyslak : Hey, we can't let our friend drive like this. I'm liable here.
[following Homer outside]
Moe Szyslak : Get his keys.
Homer : [playing keep-away] Hey, you want my keys?
[throwing them into a sewer grate]
Homer : Get 'em now, jerks.
[laughing, he gets into his car]
Homer : So long, jerks.
[laughing again, he makes the sounds of the car's engine rumbling]
Homer : [adjusting the rear-view mirror] Running after the car, huh? Let's see if you can follow this.
[sounds of tires squealing]
Moe Szyslak : Oh, that's it.
[he pulls Homer out, and Lenny and Carl put him in the back of a taxi]
Taxi Driver : Where to, pal?
Homer : Moe's Tavern.
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Homer : Good morning, everybody. What's for breakfast, cutie?
Marge : Homie, it's 5:00 p.m. We're having dinner.
Homer : What? Wait a... that can't be right.
[checking the clock]
Homer : Wait. Was last night the night we set the clocks ahead eight hours?
Bart Simpson : No. It was the night you got loaded at Moe's and the car had to be towed home.
Homer : If I was that drunk, I would remember it.
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Marge : [after seeing Homer drunkenly admit his occasional resentment of them] So, I'm just some babe who sank her claws into you.
Homer : A hot babe.
Marge : [frustrated groan] Ooh!
Lisa : Have you always resented us, Dad?
Homer : Oh, I don't resent you, sweetheart. What I was trying to say, and maybe I didn't use the right words, was that marriage is like a coffin, and each kid is another nail. But as coffins go...
Lisa : Please don't say anymore.
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Homer : Where are you taking me?
Marge : A place where you'll never be bothered by your family again.
[he gasps as they pass a mental institution]
Homer : [as they pass a slaughterhouse] Oh...
[passing Santa's Village]
Homer : AHHHH!
Marge : [pulling over] Get out of the car, Homer.
Homer : You can't just leave me out here. There's not another woman for miles.
Bart Simpson : Sorry, Dad. Maybe now you'll appreciate us.
Lisa : While you're spending the week at...
Marge : Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp.
Homer : [seeing a guitar-shaped sign] The Rolling Stones' Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp! But I thought you guys were mad at me. For once in my life, I'm confused.
Marge : We had a family meeting and decided that even though what you said about us was incredibly thoughtless, and hurtful, you had a point.
Homer : Damn straight.
Marge : You work a job you don't like so I'm able to be home with the kids.
Lisa : And you take me places you hate like museums, plays, and the Olive Garden.
Bart Simpson : And even though you knew I ratted you out to the IRS, you never busted me on it.
Homer : You what?
Marge : So to say thank you for all your sacrifices, we spent our family vacation fund on something that's just for you. Do you like it?
Homer : [already out of the car] You guys are the best. I love you. I love you. I love you.
[tripping on a stick]
Homer : Oof! I'm okay. I love you. I love you. I love you.
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Homer : Hi, Moe. Got any beer?
Moe Szyslak : Sure. Check in the fridge.
[Homer takes a beer from a mini-fridge behind the bar]
Moe Szyslak : Wait a minute, I'm at work.
[taking it away]
Moe Szyslak : You gotta pay for it.
Homer : [taking out his wallet] What the...? Where's my money?
Marge : [voiceover as he reads a note] Dear Homie, had to buy diapers for Maggie. Love, Marge.
Homer : Wha...?
Marge : Simpson.
Homer : Oh.
Lisa : [he takes out another note] Dear Dad, took money for the school book fair. Love, Lisa.
Bart Simpson : [and another] Homer, I need cash or they're gonna break my legs.
Moe Szyslak : [putting the beer away] Sorry, Homer.
Homer : So you're just gonna let me walk out of here sober?
Moe Szyslak : I'm afraid so.
Homer : And you can live with that?
Moe Szyslak : Ya-huh.
Homer : Fine. There are plenty of other ways for me to alter my consciousness.
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Keith Richards : Gettin' away from the gig can be a matter of life and death. So you gotta be in great physical shape.
[taking a drag from his cigarette]
Keith Richards : Okay, follow me.
[playing the sounds of fans cheering on a boom box]
Keith Richards : Paparazzi to the left.
Homer : I got 'em.
[smashing the cardboard stand-up with his guitar]
Homer : I'm entitled to a private life! I'm not a role model and so forth.
Keith Richards : Good, Homer. Now, just past the groupies and we're home.
[diving into a waiting limo, then seeing the campers making out with the stand-ups]
Keith Richards : They're bloody cardboard!
Homer : We know.
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Lenny Kravitz : The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality.
Homer : Like this, Mr. Kravitz?
Lenny Kravitz : [seeing him in an identical outfit, with his beer belly spilling out of his shirt] God, no.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon : May we talk about, uh, accentuating the... masculine area?
Lenny Kravitz : Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I don't do it. Kenny Loggins does.
Kenny Loggins : [outside] I trusted you!
[he runs away sobbing]
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Homer : I came up with a stage move I feel is very cool.
[swinging his guitar around by its cord]
Homer : Baby, baby, baby, baby...
[the cord becomes unplugged and the guitar flies out the window]
Mick Jagger : [in his office with Keith] We've got to start using a cheaper oatmeal.
[the guitar crashes through the window and knocks his adding machine off the desk]
Homer : Sorry, Mick!
Mick Jagger : Simpson!
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Carl : You wouldn't serve Homer just 'cause he didn't have money?
Lenny : What happened to you, Moe? You used to be about the booze.
Moe Szyslak : Ah, yeah. I guess I got caught up in all the glitz and glamor.
[on the countertop, a rat nibbles on a pretzel]
Homer : [entering, wasted] Well, Moe.
Moe Szyslak : Homer, I'm so sorry. Have a free beer.
Homer : Oh.
[taking a sip]
Homer : Uh, I don't care about the color of your skin, Lenny. You're my friend.
Lenny : Man, I've never seen anybody get loaded so fast.
Moe Szyslak : Homer, can you say the alphabet backwards?
Homer : Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You...
Carl : Hey, I'm worried.
Homer : I've had just about enough of you.
Carl : [shaking his fist as Homer shoves him] Oh, yeah?
Homer : Uh-uh.
[showing him a pin that reads "Be nice to me. I gave blood."]
Carl : Ah, rats.
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Homer : [desperate to stay at fantasy camp] I won't go! You can't make me!
Lisa : Dad, you knew this day was coming.
Homer : I knew nothing.
Bart Simpson : [accidentally getting kicked in the face] Ugh. Stop kicking me, Dad.
Homer : Never!
[sobbing into his hands]
Homer : My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream. I was so close to being a rock star, but now, there's a chance it might not happen.
[sadly]
Homer : I'll just have to settle for being a fat, bald, fat nothing.
Bart Simpson : Finally. Can we go now?
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Homer : [finishing a performance and stage-diving onto the counselors] Well, what do you think?
Mick Jagger : Uh... you rock, Homer.
Homer : Really? You really think I'm better than you?
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Lisa : Look, there's Dad!
Bart Simpson : Whoo-hoo! Yay, Homer!
Marge : I'm his groupie.
[with a giggle]
Marge : Am I saying that right? Groupie?
Homer : [seeing his friends and family cheering for him and tapping the microphone] Test. Test.
Marge : Why is he performing the duties of a roadie? Am I saying that right? Roadie?
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Bart Simpson : Did you know it was gonna turn into a riot, Dad?
Homer : Oh, yeah. When you've been in as many as I have, you can sense them coming.
Marge : Did they ever find Tom Petty's toe?
Homer : What am I, the lost and found?
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Homer : You're rock stars. You're supposed to be reckless and destructive and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail.
Keith Richards : That's what I told 'em, Homer. But just the same, we'd like to make it up to you.
Mick Jagger : We're doing a gig tomorrow to benefit the victims of tonight's gig. And we'd consider it an honor if you'd join us.
[holding up a jacket with "guitar hero" stitched on the back]
Homer : Well, you're very sweet, Mick. But the only rocking I wanna do is in my living room chair surrounded by the world's greatest backup group, my family.
Lisa : [transition to him taking the kids to school the following day] Are you sure you don't miss hanging out with your rock-star friends, Dad?
Homer : No, I got something to remember 'em by.
[he chuckles as it's revealed he's driving the Satan-head stage prop]
Homer : Have fun at school, kids.
Bart Simpson : Later, Homer.
Principal Skinner : Mr. Simpson, this zone is for school buses only.
Homer : [using the flame thrower to burn off Skinner's clothes] Rock and roll! Whoo-hoo!
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Mick Jagger : We're doing a benefit gig before we leave town. How would you like to join us on-stage?
Homer : For serious?
Keith Richards : For serious, Homer.
Homer : Can I have 40 guest passes?
[Mick looks to Keith, who shrugs; Mick, in turn, nods at Homer]
Homer : Whoo-hoo!
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Homer : Evening, fellow rockers.
Elvis Costello : There you are. We thought we were gonna have to go on without you.
Homer : I'm ready. Just give me a guitar. How many solos should I do? Four?
[blank stares]
Homer : I'll do four.
Tom Petty : Uh, Homer, you didn't think you were gonna be playing with...
Homer : [gasping] My official tour jacket! Lookit...
[seeing "honorary roadie" on the back]
Homer : Wait. You misspelled "guitar hero".
Mick Jagger : Look, sorry if there's been a misunderstanding, Homer. We really just need you to tap the mics and say "Test. Test."
Homer : Can't you do it?
[as Keith opens his mouth in shock, his cigarette falls out, and Mick folds his arms over his chest]
Homer : [sadly] Oh. Okay. So I'll, uh... okay.
