The Simpsons (TV Series)
Jaws Wired Shut (2002)
Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier
Quotes
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Marge : [to Homer] I am not going to make you another spare rib smoothie. Most people with their jaws wired shut don't gain weight.
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Marge : [Marge has entered a demolition derby] Don't hit me! I'm not like you people, I'm loved!
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Joy : Homelah, it's easy to change, but what's hard is not changing back.
Barbara : Do you promise not to revive your "weckless, weckless" ways?
Homer : I don't know. The demolition derby is next month.
Marge : Please, Homie. No more craziness, for me?
Homer : Well, okay. For you, I'll be as dull as Dilbert.
Barbara : Very good. Our next topic, "My son still wets the bed."
Milhouse : [entering with his mother] You told me we were going to Red Lobster!
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Waylon Smithers : [in a gay pride parade float called "Stayin' in the Closet"] We're gay! We're glad!
Patty Bouvier : But don't tell mom and dad!
Marge : Wouldn't it be great if that man and woman got together?
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Dr. Hibbert : Homer, you've suffered a broken jaw.
Homer : [muffled] Broken jaw? Oh!
Dr. Hibbert : [chuckling] He won't be able to talk for quite some time. I've wired his jaw shut. It's all explained in this pamphlet.
Marge : [dismayed] "So Your Life is Ruined.
[flipping through it]
Marge : Oh, dear, you can't eat solid foods. Those are his favorite.
Homer : I can't eat solid food?
Marge : [he runs over and straps himself into a contraption labeled "Suicide Machine"] Stop it, Homer!
Dr. Hibbert : Oh, don't worry. On a man his size, that just provides sexual release.
[shrugging Marge off, Homer sticks the needle in his arm and injects the drugs, moaning in erotic satisfaction]
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Barbara : Well, Marge told us, when you didn't listen, it led to reckless, criminal behavior.
Marge : He did such crazy things. Roll the clip.
Homer : [at a cookout] Ostrich burgers! Get your ostrich burgers!
Lenny : I'll take one.
Homer : Okay, you pick one out and I'll punch it to death.
Lenny : [thinking] Hmm...
Homer : [going to the bird Lenny indicates] Hey, there, little sweet...
[he punches it in the stomach; in retaliation, it wraps its neck around his and kicks him in the stomach]
Homer : Oh, dude, I thought we were friends!
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Marge : [returning home from the store] Hm! All clean, just the way I left it.
Homer : [in the family room] I'm gonna kill you!
Marge : Well, so much for the new Homer.
[going to check, nothing's wrong]
Marge : What's going on?
Bart : We're rehearsing a play.
Homer : Yes, and I was merely reading the title, "I'm Gonna Kill You."
Marge : Oh. It's just a false alarm.
Homer : Yep. Nothing to get excited about.
Marge : Well, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.
Homer : [continuing as she leaves] Professor Van Doren, so good to see you.
Professor Van Doren : [entering] Ah, rehearsing a play, I see.
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Marge : A formal. The one place you can wear a tiara and not look crazy.
Homer : Uh-huh.
Montgomery Burns : So, how are we enjoying the festivities?
Homer : [writing on his chalkboard] So hungry.
Montgomery Burns : Yes, the music is from southern Hungary. That's quite an ear.
[giving him two handfuls of cash]
Montgomery Burns : Have some money.
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Marge : This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life.
Homer : I'm... horny.
Marge : I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Oh, Homer, this is the kind of night I thought we could never have together; incident-free.
Homer : [shaking off the donkey from the previous year, who gestures that a cake is waiting for them] Mm-mm.
[the donkey leaves, braying in disappointment]
Dr. Hibbert : [dancing with his wife] Oh, Homer, drop by my office tomorrow and I can remove those jaw wires. You'll be just the way you used to be.
[Marge gasps]
Dr. Hibbert : [dancing over to Rev. Lovejoy] And, Reverend, I'll put in those pec implants on Thursday.
Reverend Lovejoy : Super.
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Marge : You know, tomorrow is the Annual Springfield Formal Event. We weren't going to go after last year's... unpleasantness.
[indicating a newspaper front page of a drunk Homer riding a donkey, crashing into a cake, under the headline "Local man ruins everything"]
Marge : That donkey is such a bad influence on you. But breaking your jaw has made you so sweet, maybe we can go.
Homer : [nodding] Mm-hmm.
Marge : [he smiles] Mmm, I better polish those jaw wires for tomorrow.
[as she does so, he sighs contentedly and taps his foot like Thumper from "Bambi"]
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Marge : [with his jaw wired shut, Homer uses a mini chalkboard to communicate] Hmm. "How was your day?" Do you really wanna know?
Homer : [nodding] Uh-huh.
Marge : Well, let's see... I was in the kitchen counting the corncobs on the curtains...
Homer : Uh-huh.
Marge : ...when who should ring the doorbell but Ned Flanders.
[giggling as he writes "D'oh!" and does the accompanying head gesture]
Marge : It seems he wants to ban culottes in the school.
[Homer growls in anger]
Marge : Pardon my French, but sometimes that man's a goofy-doofy.
Homer : [thinking] Marge thinks Flanders is annoying. This marriage just got interesting.