The Simpsons (TV Series)

Kill the Alligator and Run (2000)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson

Quotes 

• Lisa : You can't drive, dad. He's got your license.

  Homer Simpson : Well, I'm gonna try anyway.

  [starts the car] 

  Homer Simpson : It worked! It's a miracle!

• Marge Simpson : Homer, you'll kill us all!

  Homer Simpson : Or die trying!

• Homer Simpson : Your Honor, I'd like to represent myself.

  [addresses the jury] 

  Homer Simpson : Drunken hicks of the jury...

• Bart Simpson : [to Homer]  Here's the mail, Dad. That'll be three dollars for on-couch delivery.

  Homer Simpson : [as he gives Bart money]  And three makes three.

  Bart Simpson : This isn't real money. It's printed by the Montana Militia.

  Homer Simpson : It'll be real soon enough.

• [in the car on the way to Florida] 

  Lisa : Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.

  Bart : Mom, Lisa's growing.

  Marge : Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown.

  Homer : My pockets hurt.

• Joe C. : Yo, yo! Straight outta Detroit, y'all! It's the J-O-E to the C! Let's rock the party with Kid Rock!

  Homer Simpson : Oh, no! It's a lost child! Don't worry, folks. I'll tackle him.

  [tries to get on stage, but security stops him] 

• Kid Rock : We'll give that punk a Joe C-section.

  Joe C. : Let's do this thing.

  Officer : All right now, boys. That's enough. Kid Rock, that's not like you.

  [Kid Rock frowns] 

  Officer : And Joe C., would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that?

  Joe C. : No, sir. Please don't tell Mama.

  Homer Simpson : They called you a pig, Sheriff.

  Officer : Well, I don't care what they call me as long as they play "Fist of Rage." That's a good song.

  [chuckles] 

• Psychiatrist : [to Homer]  You hate your father, don't you?

  Homer Simpson : Sometimes, but the guy I really hate is your father.

  Psychiatrist : I shouldn't have brought that up. I was just venting.

• Homer Simpson : Bring on the Rapping Granny!

  [the crowd stares at him] 

  Homer Simpson : What? She's hilarious.

• Kid Rock : You know, a lot of my homies didn't make it to the party and we're gonna give props to the fallen by pouring a 40 on the curb.

  [a curb is wheeled out on stage] 

  Kid Rock : But this ain't no 40-ounce curb, so we're gonna need 40 gallons, y'all!

  [the crowd cheers] 

  Homer Simpson : [as he drinks the 40-gallon bottle of beer]  All for Homer. All for Homer.

  Kid Rock : What the?

  Joe C. : Hey, who's that fool?

  Kid Rock : Yo, let's waste this biotch.

  Homer Simpson : Biotch? Moi?

• Bart Simpson : [When Marge, Bart and Lisa come downstairs after hearing Homer's screaming]  Hey, what's all the screaming?

  Lisa : Some of us have grammar school in the morning, you know.

  Marge Simpson : Maybe you should see a doctor, Homie. A head doctor.

  Homer Simpson : I'm not crazy. It's the TV that's crazy!

  [points to the TV] 

  Homer Simpson : Aren't you, TV?

  Robert Evans : [on TV]  The crisis? Charlie Bludorn's birthday. The solution? A snappy banner. Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne and six drafts later, I had myself a party.

  Homer Simpson : You see? Gibberish. All gibberish.

• Homer Simpson : [as he gives Lenny and Carl a quiz]  Okay, last question: "Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?"

  Lenny : Oh, the little rat-faced one.

  Carl : No, no, no. Nick. He's so good to his mother.

  Homer Simpson : According to this, you're both idiots.

  Lenny : Hey, thanks. What do we owe you?

• Lisa : Wow, look at all the stars you can see here.

  Marge Simpson : Those noxious gases from the swamp must magnify them.

  Bart Simpson : I'm getting used to this country life. Teacher said I'm whittling at a 10th grade level.

  Marge Simpson : And y'all hardly ever bicker anymore.

  Lisa : Too hot to bicker, I reckon.

  Homer Simpson : You know, killing that gator was the best decision I ever made.

  Bart Simpson : Got that right.

  Marge Simpson : Darn tootin'.

  Lisa : Boy howdy.

• Homer Simpson : [reading his Self-Test quiz book]  Ok, there's a black widow at your door, a rattlesnake at the window and a scorpion on the phone. Do you A: None of the below, B...

  Marge Simpson : Homie, for godssakes, it's 2AM!

• Homer Simpson : [Referring to Kid Rock and Joe C]  They called you a pig, sheriff.

  Officer : I don't care what they call me. As long as they play "Fists of Rage". That's a gooood song.

• Officer : You killed Captain Jack! You in a heap o' trouble, son!

  Homer Simpson : You'll have to catch me first!

  [he jumps into the water. Some snapping noises are heard, and he surfaces with a few small creatures all over him] 

  Homer Simpson : Okay, I'll go quietly.