The Simpsons (TV Series)

Marge vs. the Monorail (1993)

Maggie Roswell: Maude Flanders, Miss Hoover, Monorail Cafe Employee, Monorail Voice

Quotes 

• Lyle Lanely : [begins to chant rhythmically]  Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?

  [points at Ned Flanders] 

  Ned Flanders : Monorail!

  Lyle Lanely : What's it called?

  Patty Bouvier , Selma Bouvier : Monorail.

  Lyle Lanely : That's right, monorail!

  [runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting] 

  Crowd : Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.

  [continues underneath those who speak] 

  Miss Hoover : I hear those things are awfully loud.

  Lyle Lanely : [playing the piano on stage]  It glides as softly as a cloud.

  Apu : Is there a chance the track could bend?

  Lyle Lanely : Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

  Barney Gumble : What about us brain-dead slobs?

  Lyle Lanely : You'll be given cushy jobs.

  Grampa Simpson : Were you sent here by the devil?

  Lyle Lanely : No, good sir, I'm on the level.

  Chief Wiggum : The ring came off my pudding can.

  Lyle Lanely : Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

  Crowd : [singing]  Monorail...

  Lyle Lanely : [speaking]  What's it called?

  Crowd : [singing]  Monorail...

  Lyle Lanely : Once again!

  Crowd : [still singing]  Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!

• Maude Flanders : Excuse me, we could use the money to hire fireman to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.

  Homer : Boring!

• [about the $3 million fined from Mr. Burns] 

  Lisa Simpson : Oh, what a boon it could be for our underfunded public schools.

  [in Lisa's fantasy] 

  Miss Hoover : Children, it's time for your history lesson. Put on your virtual reality helmets.

  [the children do] 

  Genghis Khan : Hmm, excellent... hello, Lisa! I'm Genghis Khan! You'll go where I go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat!

• Miss Hoover : Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I'm Miss Hoover.

  Miss Hoover : MISS Hoover? That is hard to believe!

  Miss Hoover : Oh, you. Ho, ho!

  Lyle Lanely : Now, I'm here to answer any questions you children have about the monorail.

  [kids raise their hands and call out "Me! Me!"] 

  Ralph Wiggum : Can it outrun The Flash?

  Lyle Lanely : You bet!

  Child in Lisa's Class : Can Superman outrun The Flash?

  Lyle Lanely : Eh - sure, why not. Hello, little girl! Wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free?

  Lisa Simpson : Hardly. I'd like you to explain why we should build a mass-transit system in a small town with a centralized population.

  Lyle Lanely : Ha, ha! Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked.

  Lisa Simpson : Really?

  Lyle Lanely : Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me - and that includes your teacher!

  [Lisa giggles, flattered] 

  Lyle Lanely : Next question - you there, eating the paste.