The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (1997)

Alex Rocco: Roger Meyers Jr.

Quotes 

• June Bellamy : Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy & Scratchy.

  Homer : You? But you're a lady.

  June Bellamy : [as Itchy]  She's a lady, all right.

  June Bellamy : [as Scratchy]  A beautiful lady.

  Homer : [laughs]  Hey, that really is you. How did you get to be so good?

  June Bellamy : Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner.

  June Bellamy : [as Road Runner]  Meep!

  Homer : You mean "Meep, meep"?

  June Bellamy : No, they only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.

  Roger Myers Jr. : You folks ready to begin?

  Homer : Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?

  June Bellamy : No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

• Focus Group Guy : [after showing the kids some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons]  Okay, how many of the kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day?

  [the kids cheer] 

  Focus Group Guy : And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers.

  [the kid kids cheer again] 

  Focus Group Guy : So you want a realistic down-to-earth show that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?

  [the kids all chat at once about it being a great idea] 

  Milhouse Van Houten : And, also, you should win things by watching.

  Focus Group Guy : [sighs] 

  Roger Myers Jr. : [turns off the mirror disguise in the window]  You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids, 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!

  [turns the mirror back on] 

  Ralph Wiggum : [starts crying]  Mommy!

  Lisa Simpson : Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy & Scratchy Show. It's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.

  Roger Myers Jr. : [turns the mirror off again]  That's it. That's it, little girl. You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!

  Blue-haired Lawyer : [holding out a piece of paper to Lisa]  Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.

• Roger Myers Jr. : Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?

  Krusty : Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!

  [points to a ratings chart] 

  Krusty : Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!

  Roger Myers Jr. : What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?

  Krusty : See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!

  Roger Myers Jr. : But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.

  Krusty : ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.

  [Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room] 

  Krusty's Secreatary : [off-screen]  Okay, Mel, you can go in now.

  Sideshow Mel : [walks into Krusty's office]  Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and...

  [Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr] 

  Sideshow Mel : I'll come back later.