The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (1997)

Willem Dafoe: The Commandant

Quotes 

• The Commandant : Let's go over this one more time, just to make sure I understand the situation.

  [clears throat] 

  The Commandant : You're a girl?

• [nearing the end of the year] 

  The Commandant : But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale.

  [the cadets gasp] 

  The Commandant : That was prior to 1957, thank you very much State Supreme Court...

• The Commandant : Franklin, you're no longer the girliest cadet here.

  Franklin : [in a feminine voice]  Well. We'll see about that.

• The Commandant : The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots.

• The Commandant : Consequently, now no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this. Meet "the Eliminator." That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12. The rope is suspended a full 40 feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.

  Lisa : This wasn't in the brochure.

• The Commandant : [after Bart passes the Eliminator challenge]  Good job, Simpson. Although, that's more cursing than I like to hear from a cadet in peacetime.

• The Commandant : All right, lights out!

  [as the lights go out, a thudding is heard] 

  The Commandant : Ow! Damn it! Lights on. Lights on.

  [as they come back on, it's revealed he collided with a foot locker] 

  The Commandant : [hobbling out]  Lights out. Lights out.

• The Commandant : Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross the Eliminator is a barbaric and malicious practice.

  Lisa : [quietly elated]  Yes!

  The Commandant : Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.

• Marge Simpson : Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.

  The Commandant : Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.

  Bart Simpson : "Freak-outs?"

  Homer Simpson : If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?

• The Commandant : Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills.

  Bart Simpson : [sotto to Lisa]  My killing teacher says I'm a natural.

• The Commandant : Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential.

  Lisa : [impressed]  Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xian.

  Homer Simpson : They sure are.

  [throwing rocks at a couple of cadets and watching them squirm in pain] 

  Homer Simpson : That's not so disciplined.

  The Commandant : They're just children, Mr. Simpson.

  Homer Simpson : Pfft! I guess.

• The Commandant : This is now the girls' barracks. So pack your things. You're moving in with Company L.

  Brown-Haired Cadet : Company L? But they smell!

  The Commandant : Yes, we've all heard the chant. Now, fall out!

• The Commandant : In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet. Oh, but that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days. After all, we have female singers, female motorists. Welcome aboard.

  Marge Simpson : Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jif.

  Bart Simpson : I wanna quit and come home.

  [cut to Homer and Marge preparing to leave] 

  Bart Simpson : I wanna quit and come home.

  Marge Simpson : Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.