- Kirk Van Houten: If you see a tie on the door knob, that means I'm with a lady.
- Homer: But you don't have a door knob.
- Kirk Van Houten: I don't have a tie either!
- [after completeing puzzle]
- Homer Simpson: It's the only worth-while thing I ever made that wasn't Lisa.
- [Maggie makes angry noise]
- Homer Simpson: Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.
- Homer Simpson: Hey, Weird Al! Did you get those parodies I sent you?
- 'Weird Al' Yankovic: Yes I did, Homer.
- Homer Simpson: Which one was better, "Livin' La Pizza Loca" or "Another One Bites The Crust"?
- 'Weird Al' Yankovic: Actually, Homer, they were both the same.
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, like you and Allan Sherman.
- [Homer confronts Marge with a "memory box" she had put together before they were married]
- Marge Simpson: Oh, I'd forgotten all about that. Where did you find it?
- Homer Simpson: More like, where didn't I find it? It was practically everywhere!
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's also a constant battle for moral superiority.
- Bart Simpson: [looking under the couch cushion] Hey, remember that pet gerbil we used to have? He didn't run away after all.
- [crosses himself]
- Homer Simpson: [Upon learning that Julio and Grady are gay] Hmm. Which will win out: my old fashioned prejudices, or the fact that I've already mixed my laundry with yours? I'll have to sleep on it.
- [Walks into the room to his left and is instantly heard snoring]
- Julio: He's sleeping in the pantry
- Grady: Gasp! My spices!