- Lisa Simpson: [on the phone] Oh, no! That's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too.
- [hangs up the phone]
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
- Homer: Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.
- Lisa Simpson: Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
- [Homer looks at the card and lowers it slowly; his pupils shrink in anger]
- Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second?
- [Bart and Lisa run outside as Homer stands up]
- Homer: [inhales deeply] F...
- [church organ plays a chord, birds fly away and everyone looks at the Simpson house]
- Ned Flanders: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!
- Superintendent Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded" I immediately thought of the word "SKINNER"?
- Smithers: [over the intercom] Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you.
- Principal Skinner: That's odd. I don't have a secretary... or an intercom. But send him in.
- Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters dressed as a student] Ahoy there, dean. I understand that you're taking suggestions from students. Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern.
- Principal Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns...
- [Burns exclaims in shock]
- Principal Skinner: It was naive of you to think I'd mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.
- Marge Simpson: Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa.
- Abe Simpson: [Whining] I want a bib too!
- Abe Simpson: Hey, the lamp's running away!
- Bart Simpson: That's my dog, man!
- Abe Simpson: So long, lamp.
- Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
- Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
- Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
- Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
- Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
- Homer: He can't remember my name!
- Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
- [Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
- Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
- [Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
- Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
- [Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
- Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?
- Principal Skinner: Willie, sometime over the holiday the beloved grade four gerbil, uh... "Superdude," lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?
- [pause, then a gasp]
- Mr. Burns: I see. I think you'd better drop it. I said... drop it!
- [grunts of a struggle]
- Mr. Burns: Get... your... hands... off!
- Marge Simpson: Where is everyone?
- [gunshot]
- Marge Simpson: I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate - selfish, even.
- Bart Simpson: Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?... Dad?... Homer!
- Lisa Simpson: [Bart pulls paper away to reveal Abe]
- [Abe, Bart Lisa all scream]
- Lisa Simpson: Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second it looked like Dad had melted.
- Abe Simpson: Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now. I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole.
- [Mrs. Krabappel is spraying air freshener in the classroom]
- Bart Simpson: Yuck! What reeks?
- Nelson Muntz: Smells like one of van Houten's.
- Milhouse van Houten: It does not!
- Homer: [gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr. Burn's office] Here's your package, Mr. Burns!
- Mr. Burns: My name is the return address, you seneless dunderpate! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
- Homer: [thinking] I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name. Well, that's going to change right now!
- Homer: My name is Homer J. Simp...
- [Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams]
- Homer: Ow!
- Mr. Burns: Hm, sounded large when I ordered it.
- [sighs]
- Mr. Burns: I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps.
- Mr. Burns: Have you ever seen the sun set at 3pm?
- Sea Captain: Aye, once. When I was sailing 'round the Arctic...
- Mr. Burns: Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield!
- [activates the Sunblocker]
- Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I shall do the next best thing: block it out.
- Abe Simpson: [Bart finds Grampa's gun] That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded.
- Marge Simpson: [Walking in] Argh! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house.
- Abe Simpson: [Marge takes the gun away] How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through that door?
- Marge Simpson: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it.
- [Walks out]
- Abe Simpson: Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!
- [last lines of the episode as the Springfieldians gather to see Mr. Burns laid out on the sundial]
- Patty Bouvier: Mr. Burns has been shot.
- Chief Wiggum: Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!
- [Wiggum pulls on Burns' face]
- Chief Wiggum: Wait, it is Burns.
- [chuckles]
- Chief Wiggum: His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.
- Marge Simpson: I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town is a suspect.
- [the camera pans across the Springfieldians and stops on Dr. Hibbert, who chuckles]
- Doctor Hibbert: Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?
- [Hibbert points to the camera which pulls back to reveal that he's pointing to Wiggum]
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?
- [to be continued...]
- Mr. Burns: I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain! I own the electric company and the water works. Plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue.
- Principal Skinner: That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic. The school's oil well is not for sale, particularly to a blackhearted scoundrel like yourself!
- Mr. Burns: I see. Then I guess I'll just have to... attack you!
- [fails feebly]
- Mr. Burns: I must have that oil! Smithers, Smithers... help me subdue this... beast!
- Smithers: [arriving with a stapler] Sorry, sir. This was all I could find.
- [fires staples which don't harm Skinner at all]
- Smithers: Take that and that!
- Principal Skinner: Please don't waste those.
- Smithers: Well, sir, you have certainly vanquished your enemies. The elementary school, the local tavern, the old age home. You must be very proud.
- Mr. Burns: No, not while my greatest nemesis still provides our customers with free light, heat and energy. I call this enemy, the sun.
- [Smithers gives a confused look while Burns shows a miniature version of Springfield]
- Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing; block it out!
- [the sunblocker darkens all of miniature Springfield]
- Smithers: [appalled] Good God!
- Mr. Burns: Imagine it, Smithers. Electrical lights and heaters, running all day long.
- Smithers: But Sir, every plant and tree will die, owls will deafen us with incessant hooting; the town's sundial will be useless. I don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably... fiendish.
- Mr. Burns: [gasps] I will not suffer your insubordination! There has been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon! And you will fall into line, now!
- Smithers: No. No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity!
- Mr. Burns: I'll do no such thing! You're fired!
- [the school has come into money and everyone's suggesting how to spend it]
- Lunchlady Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my job at Springfield Elementary, and I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
- [after a gunshot is heard, Burns staggers out of the alley, clutching a bleeding wound in his chest]
- Jimbo Jones: Hey, man. Are you okay?
- Mr. Burns: Won't... dignify that... with response.
- [collapses on the sundial]
- Mayor Quimby: People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.
- Quimby's Aide: [Whispers] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
- Mayor Quimby: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.
- Smithers: [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]
- [Crying]
- Smithers: Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
- Doctor Hibbert: Oh, dear God!
- Smithers: Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
- [Ned wraps a blanket around him]
- Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
- Abe Simpson: Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.
- Crazy Old Man: You bastard!
- Mr. Burns: A nonprofit organization with oil? I won't allow it! An oil well doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleedingheart and Maynard G. Muskievote!
- Mr. Burns: I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain! I own the electric company and the water works. Plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue.
- Principal Skinner: That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic.
- Groundskeeper Willie: You're lucky you're getting a decent burial my own father was tossed in the bog.
- Lunchlady Doris: My cafeteria staff has been complaining about rats in the kitchen I want to hire a new staff.
- Mr. Burns: [catches Homer spray-painting "I AM HOMER SIMPSON" on his office wall] Who the devil are you?
- Homer: [screams in frustrated rage, rushes towards Burns and starts angrily shaking him] Homer Simpson!
- Mr. Burns: What? What are you talking about?
- Homer: Homer...
- Mr. Burns: You're not making sense, man!
- Homer: Shut up!
- Mr. Burns: I can't understand a word you're saying!
- Homer: Homer Simpson!
- Mr. Burns: You're just babbling incoherently!
- Homer: My-name-is-Homer-Simpson!
- [dragged away by security]
- Homer: Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead! You're dead, Burns!