The Simpsons (TV Series)

Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two (1995)

Hank Azaria: 'Speedway Squad' Announcer, Chief Wiggum, Lou, Moe Szyslak, Dr. Colossus, Superintendent Chalmers, DNA Analyst, Dr. Nick Riviera, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Eddie : Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

  Moe : [taking a lie detector test]  No.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.

  [ding] 

  Eddie : Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.

  Moe : Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : A date.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : Dinner with friends.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : Dinner alone.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : Watching TV alone.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : Sears catalog.

  [ding] 

  Moe : Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.

  [buzz] 

• Eddie : [after Wiggum wakes suddenly from his surrealistic dream]  I had an idea, chief. Why don't we check out the suit that Burns was wearing?

  Chief Wiggum : Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?

  Eddie : ...I'll drive.

• Mr. Burns : Officers, arrest the baby.

  Chief Wiggum : Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.

• [Smithers is at the police station after confessing to having shot Mr. Burns] 

  Smithers : And when he planned to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.

  Dr. Colossus : Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to... Dr. Colossus! AH-HA-HA, AH-HA-HA-HAAA...

  [Laughing maniacally, he presses a button on his belt, "Colosso-Boots" and the soles of his boots extend at super speed - ramming his head into the ceiling] 

  Dr. Colossus : OW!

  [groans] 

  Dr. Colossus : When is my lawyer coming?

• Sideshow Mel : I am Melvin Van Horn. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.

  Krusty the Clown : Hey-hey.

  Sideshow Mel : Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!

  Chief Wiggum : Really? Ah, jeez.

  [Opens cell door] 

  Chief Wiggum : All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.

  Dr. Colossus : But all my stuff is there.

• Lisa : [in Chief Wiggum's surrealistic dream, a la "Twin Peaks"]  Chief Wiggum... Don't... Eat... The... Clues.

  [Wiggum looks down at his hand and sees he's holding a burning playing card. Lisa holds up a burning Ace] 

  Lisa : This suit burns better... Look.

  Chief Wiggum : Come again?

  Lisa : Better... look... burns suit.

  Chief Wiggum : I'm not following you.

  Lisa : Burns's suit. Burns's suit.

  Chief Wiggum : What?

  Lisa : [normal voice]  Look at Burns's suit! Sheesh!

• Tito Puente : Revenge? Of course! But why wound his body with bullets, when I can set his soul on fire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge.

  [to his orchestra] 

  Tito Puente : Uno, dos, tres!

  [music] 

  Lead Vocalist : [singing]  Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song Burns will always carry with him!/So I settle my score on the samba floor, with this vengeful Latin rhythm!/Burns!/Con el corazon de perro!/Senor Burns!/El diablo con dinero!/This may not surprise you, but all of us despise you/Please die, and fry in hell, you rotten, rich, old wretch!/Adios viejo!

  [music ends] 

  Chief Wiggum : [applauding]  Yeah! All right, okay! I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all the suspects are this much fun.

• Dr. Nick Riviera : Hi everybody!

  Mr. Burns : [to the tune of "Hi Dr. Nick"]  Ho-mer Simp-son!

  Dr. Nick Riviera : Okay, that was weird

• Groundskeeper Willie : I could ne'er have shot Burns. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol If you check me medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers.

  [holds up his fingers, which are misshapen] 

  Groundskeeper Willie : I got it from space invaders in 1977.

  Chief Wiggum : Oh yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.

  Groundskeeper Willie : Video game?!

• Chief Wiggum : Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.

  Homer Simpson : D'OH!

  Chief Wiggum : Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "d'oh".

• Seymour Skinner : Now, I did, I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. After the meeting, I rushed to the bathroom to apply my camoflauge make-up...

  [Flashback: Skinner is standing in front of the men's room mirror] 

  Seymour Skinner : Blast!

  [turns around, his face is made up like a woman's] 

  Seymour Skinner : I took mother's make-up kit by mistake!

  [Superintendant Chalmers enters] 

  Superintendent Chalmers : Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

  Seymour Skinner : Superintendent Chalmers!

  Superintendent Chalmers : Oh, my God...

  [outside, they hear a gunshot; cut back to the present] 

  Chief Wiggum : So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?

  Seymour Skinner : Oh, yes... But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

• Dr. Nick Riviera : When you were in that coma did you feel your brain getting damaged?

• Chief Wiggum : This is gonna be an all night brain buster. Better drink some coffee.

  [Scoots over to the coffee machine in his swivel chair] 

  Chief Wiggum : Oh, we're out of coffee. Well, I'll just drink this warm cream.

  [Drinks it and promptly falls asleep] 

• [Smithers sits in a confessional] 

  Smithers : Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who...

  [breaks down sobbing] 

  Smithers : Who shot Mr. Burns!

  [Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol] 

  Chief Wiggum : That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.