The Simpsons (TV Series)

Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two (1995)

Harry Shearer: Waylon Smithers, Montgomery Burns, Kent Brockman, Eddie, Dave Shutton, Principal Skinner, Jasper, Police Dispatcher

Photos 

Quotes 

• Eddie : Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

  Moe : [taking a lie detector test]  No.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.

  [ding] 

  Eddie : Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.

  Moe : Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : A date.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : Dinner with friends.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : Dinner alone.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : Watching TV alone.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.

  [buzz] 

  Moe : Sears catalog.

  [ding] 

  Moe : Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.

  [buzz] 

• Kent Brockman : Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3:00 PM Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive."

• Eddie : [after Wiggum wakes suddenly from his surrealistic dream]  I had an idea, chief. Why don't we check out the suit that Burns was wearing?

  Chief Wiggum : Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?

  Eddie : ...I'll drive.

• Mr. Burns : Officers, arrest the baby.

  Chief Wiggum : Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.

• [Smithers is at the police station after confessing to having shot Mr. Burns] 

  Smithers : And when he planned to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.

  Dr. Colossus : Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to... Dr. Colossus! AH-HA-HA, AH-HA-HA-HAAA...

  [Laughing maniacally, he presses a button on his belt, "Colosso-Boots" and the soles of his boots extend at super speed - ramming his head into the ceiling] 

  Dr. Colossus : OW!

  [groans] 

  Dr. Colossus : When is my lawyer coming?

• Dr. Nick Riviera : Hi everybody!

  Mr. Burns : [to the tune of "Hi Dr. Nick"]  Ho-mer Simp-son!

  Dr. Nick Riviera : Okay, that was weird

• [Smithers's memory clears, and he realizes he shot Jasper, not Mr. Burns] 

  Smithers : So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man... that's much worse!

  Krusty the Clown : About fifty thousand volts worse, if you know what I mean!

  [imitates the sounds of an electric chair and sizzling flesh] 

• Seymour Skinner : Now, I did, I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. After the meeting, I rushed to the bathroom to apply my camoflauge make-up...

  [Flashback: Skinner is standing in front of the men's room mirror] 

  Seymour Skinner : Blast!

  [turns around, his face is made up like a woman's] 

  Seymour Skinner : I took mother's make-up kit by mistake!

  [Superintendant Chalmers enters] 

  Superintendent Chalmers : Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

  Seymour Skinner : Superintendent Chalmers!

  Superintendent Chalmers : Oh, my God...

  [outside, they hear a gunshot; cut back to the present] 

  Chief Wiggum : So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?

  Seymour Skinner : Oh, yes... But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

• Lisa Simpson : Don't shoot my dad! He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly!

  Montgomery Burns : [opening the door, she and Wiggum see Homer shaking Burns]  Ho-mer Simp-son! Ho-mer Simp-son!

  Homer Simpson : Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me.

  Montgomery Burns : What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me?

• Jasper : Damn fools! Drive thru's not for a-parkin!

• Mr. Burns : Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut.

• [Smithers sits in a confessional] 

  Smithers : Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who...

  [breaks down sobbing] 

  Smithers : Who shot Mr. Burns!

  [Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol] 

  Chief Wiggum : That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.

• Mr. Burns : Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.

• Mr. Burns : Homer Simpson?

  Homer Simpson : So, you finally learned my name eh?

  Mr. Burns : [shaking his head]  Homer Simpson.

  Homer Simpson : I've got no time for your demented parlor games! You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.