The Sopranos (TV Series)

Luxury Lounge (2006)

John Ventimiglia: Artie Bucco

Photos 

Quotes 

• Tony Soprano : You bitch and you moan, and you blame everybody else for your problems. Instead of maybe not letting the Mexicans do all the cooking for you, or maybe changing the menu, or changing the decorum.

  Artie Bucco : I guess because you know how to eat, you know how to run a restaurant.

  Tony Soprano : On one of the bleakest nights of my life, after the shit with my mother, and that fucking storm outside, I came here. To this place. I sat out there with Carm and my two kids and we ate and we drank and we were so happy to be here. More than any other place in the world. And you know I'm gonna eat here til I fall off the chair. But in business sometimes shit happens, the playing field changes, whatever. And you gotta do whatever you gotta do to keep your dick up.

  Artie Bucco : If you hate it here so much, why don't you go Don Giovanni. See if he'll cook you that bland shit for your shattered pancreas.

  Tony Soprano : [pauses]  Alright, I'll tell you one thing. And this is very hard. Nobody wants to hear you talk. They're trying to eat out there, and you come along, with your corny jokes, and your stupid stories. Just stay in the kitchen. That'd be a start.

• Tony Soprano : Well, listen, the other day I was driving along, thinking about your little problem. How bout a promotion? Coupon, two for one.

  Artie Bucco : Two-fers. Wow. You mean like you get a free spaghetti and meatballs if you bring another cheap comare douchebag in here? How 'bout an early bird special? Salad wagon? This is a fine dining establishment. I'll give it back to the bank before I turn into a fucking IHOP!

• Artie Bucco : [while she leaves]  hold on a second. I want to ask you something

  Artie Bucco : [as she begins to cry, realizing she was part of Benny's credit card scheme]  I knew it

  Martina : I'm sorry. I'll pay you back

  Artie Bucco : How could you do this to me?

  Martina : You were so mean to me

  Artie Bucco : Like helping you find the apartment? Teaching you how to drive?

  Martina : As soon as you found out I wasn't going to fuck you, you started picking on me

  Artie Bucco : I wanted to fuck you? You certainty have a high opinion of yourself

  Martina : You stare to me like food. Well, I'd never fuck you. I go to Benny and we laugh at you

  Artie Bucco : Benny?

  Martina : While I fuck him in the pile of money we take from your stupid customers

  Artie Bucco : You're fired

  Artie Bucco : [as she exists the door]  oh yeah? Look whose laughing now. You don't think I can press charges because of my friendship with Tony? Three months you've worked here, you don't think that goes on your permanent record? We lead the world in computerized data collection

• Benny Fazio : [Answers the door after Artie rang it several times late at night]  Artie, do you know what time it is?

  Artie Bucco : We need to talk

  Benny Fazio : Now? My wife is pregnant, she needs to sleep

  Artie Bucco : Martina told me about your credit card business, step outside Ben

  Benny Fazio : [to his wife]  I'll be outside a minute honey

  Benny Fazio : Look, your upset alright? But it's not my fault that little "trick" got greedy

  Artie Bucco : [Eventually pushes him against the wall]  oh, so she's a little "trick" huh?

  Benny Fazio : I was going to cut you in but now your acting stupid

• Artie Bucco : Benny, can I get you a Martina?

  [Benny gives him a strange look] 

  Benny Fazio : Excuse me?

  Artie Bucco : A Martina. It's like a martini, but it's from Albania.

  Jen Fazio : I've never heard of it.

  Artie Bucco : Well, apparently they go down real easy.

• Martina : [talking privately]  What is it? You're looking at me very seriously

  Artie Bucco : Remember I had that friend that was going to help you "speed" through the Green Card process?

  Artie Bucco : [after she nods]  "Apparently", it's not happening

  Martina : why?

  Artie Bucco : "Too much on his plate" he said. I guess your gonna just have to do it yourself, I'm sorry

  Martina : All those forms: shit me

  Artie Bucco : I wish I could help you... but really, it's a small inconvenience to live in freedom, right?

  Martina : [before he walks away]  Yes, I know this

• Artie Bucco : Fazinella, my old man's meat guy: he said "The restaurant business is like keeping an elephant, costs a fortune and sooner or later it shits on your head." Fuckin western beef is leaving us for dead

  Charmaine Bucco : I wanted you to call the western beef guy but you were on the floor talking to the Cohen's mother-in-law

  Artie Bucco : You can't deal with that guy yourself? My "blushing flower"

  Charmaine Bucco : It's not the same for me, and the chatting with the guests

  Artie Bucco : [irritated]  Again, that's it? It's not Hector or the meat or these assholes that are always looking for the next "hot thing", it's me!

  Charmaine Bucco : Limit it to a quick visit or a coffee, people want to talk to each other: not you

  Artie Bucco : Really? You know better than New Jersey's ad? "Artie Bucco, warm and convivial host"?

• Artie Bucco : [jokingly, walking up to Christopher, Benny, Murmur]  Benny, Mo, and Jack, how's the Bruschetta? You guys got a quorum? Lemme get you a table

  Benny Fazio : [to Christopher and Murmur, referring to sitting at the bar]  You guys go ahead, I'm gonna stay right here

  Artie Bucco : [before gesturing to where Martina's standing, referring to Benny]  My best customer but his nailed to this fuckin spot: it's either the wine or the view

  Artie Bucco : [referring to Martina]  Such a sweet kid, you know she told Charmaine, back in Albania, her whole family got blown up waiting for an oil change: the shit she's been through, we just had to help her. Charmaine called in a favor with her cousin in Manhattan, got her a working visa and get started on the Green Card

  Artie Bucco : [gestures to her to come over]  Martina, come do some hosting

  Martina : Hi

  Christopher Moltisanti : Hey

  James 'Murmur' Zancone : What's up?

  Artie Bucco : [to Martina, referring to Christopher, Benny, Murmur]  This is your cheering section here

  Martina : Hello Benny

  Artie Bucco : [to Martina]  You got the reservations squared away?

  Martina : It's very few right now

  Artie Bucco : [explaining why he has so few customers]  Football season

  James 'Murmur' Zancone : I could watch her walk away all night

  Christopher Moltisanti : [jokingly]  Good, because like most girls with you, that's what she's gonna do

  Artie Bucco : Ah, just to be young and single like these two, right Benito?

• Artie Bucco : [points to one of the strippers]  You could fuck her, you know?

  Tony Soprano : [referring to the side effects from his gunshot wound]  Well, I'm not a hundred in that "department" but I'm starting to feel the "old pressure"

  Artie Bucco : It's funny, guys like me, we get drunk and stare. Best case base scenario we go to the back room, get a lap dance, "dry hump", and "blow" in our pants

  Tony Soprano : Listen, if you wanna fuck her so bad, I'm sure it can be worked out

  Artie Bucco : Nah, I couldn't, but you...

  Tony Soprano : What'd you want me to say?

  Artie Bucco : Nothing, it's just a fact

  Tony Soprano : If I knew you were gonna be a pissy mood...

  Artie Bucco : [interrupts him]  Gabriella Dante and Rosalie Aprile came in for lunch yesterday

  Tony Soprano : So, what, you wanna fuck one of them now?

  Artie Bucco : [referring to the new Italian restaurant Artie's competing with]  No, Gab said you all went and had a meal at Da Giovanni on Sunday

  Tony Soprano : Oh, I was gonna tell you it was Phil's grandson's confirmation: pain in the ass

  Artie Bucco : What're you gonna do, you gotta eat?

  Tony Soprano : It's nothing special, believe me. Actually, Carm got a little sick after, too much oil, she thought

  Artie Bucco : Gab said I should check it out, like I could learn something

  Tony Soprano : She should learn how to watch her mouth, that one

  Artie Bucco : [sarcastically]  Fuck her. Carm got sick? Nice touch

  Tony Soprano : It was a "business obligation"

  Artie Bucco : [sarcastically, referring to Tony using Art's previous restaurant to kill a rival and setting a bomb to cover up the crime]  Uh, oh, last time I heard that I had to call the fire department

  Tony Soprano : [referring to Artie attempting to kill himself after an investment he made failed]  Maybe you need another fresh start to fuck up?