- Zack Martin: [to Maynard] If you're going to beat me up. Can we do this in the park? That way, at least when I fall, it'll be on grass.
- Maynard: Beat you up? Why does everyone assume that I'm violent?
- Zack Martin: You're a building with feet.
- [London is surprised when a needy family baked Maddie a cake]
- London Tipton: Maddie, why didn't they bake me a cake?
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: Because you didn't give them anything
- London Tipton: I gave them publicity.
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: That was for you.
- Corrie: You do everything the best, London. Can I name my cat after you?
- London Tipton: Is it a purebred?
- Corrie: No.
- London Tipton: No!
- Carey Martin: What have I told you, Zack? Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
- Zack Martin: I'm halfway there. I never lend.
- Cody Martin: Zack, this spelling bee is important to me. It's a chance for people to stop calling me a loser.
- Zack Martin: Who calls you a loser?
- Cody Martin: You do!
- Carey Martin: Oh, Zack, your brother will finally stop thinking of himself as a loser.
- Zack Martin: Who calls him a loser?
- Carey Martin: You do.
- Mr. Moseby: I'm not supposed to show favoritism, but you the man, Cody.
- Cody Martin: Thanks. I've already cleared a space above my bed for my trophy, so I hope I win otherwise, there will be this big, empty space there, mocking me for the rest of my life.
- Mr. Moseby: Way to be confident.
- Maynard: [to Zack] You owe me 30 bucks.
- Zack Martin: How'd that happen?
- Maynard: You stink at this game. I expect my money by this afternoon, plus 20%.
- Zack Martin: Say, why don't you give me your address and I'll mail it to you.
- Maynard: Mail it to me? Do I look like a big, dumb idiot?
- Zack Martin: From here, you just look big.
- Zack Martin: Come on, Mom. Think of all those coins just sitting in your purse doing nothing. They could be in the game room having fun right now.
- Carey Martin: Forget it. "Neither a Borrower Nor a Lender Be." William Shakespeare.
- Zack Martin: "I just need a couple of bucks." Zack Martin.
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: [to London] Sister Dominick is going to be here any minute in the bus, and you need to be in it.
- London Tipton: A bus? Like public people use?
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: Just think of it as a long, yellow limo.
- London Tipton: I cannot be seen on a bus. Are the windows tinted?
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: Yes, with gum and dead flies. Now come on!
- London Tipton: I am so proud of myself! I helped those people in the apartment.
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: Do you honestly think that you helped those people?
- London Tipton: Yes, I bet a picture of their apartment where never in the newspaper. Now they can envy it to all their pathetic neighbors.
- Mary Margaret: [to London] Hey, princess.
- London Tipton: It's heiress.
- Mary Margaret: Whatever, heiress. The rest of us are busting our hips painting.
- London Tipton: I am painting.
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: Fingers don't count.
- London Tipton: You're right. I'll do my toes!