- Stewardess: [after Ken Titus leaves a smokefilled airline bathroom] Sir? Were you smoking in the bathroom?
- Ken Titus: [Through a mouthfull of smoke] Define... in the bathroom.
- [about his mother]
- Titus: She nailed that Santa on the roof.
- Erin Fitzpatrick Titus: See? She decorated!
- Titus: No, she had sex with the mall Santa on the roof every year.
- [pause]
- Titus: Bam bam bam! Ah, Christmas.
- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: [turns on light] Horrible, heinous, brutal stuff happens to everyone. So if something tragic has happened in your life, go ahead. Take some time and grieve.
- [bell dings]
- Christopher Titus: Time's up, movin' on! I learned that from my father. Dad's like a tragedy commando. He approaches every sucky event the exact same way: "So?" The secret to his power? Well, he's dead inside.
- Tommy Shafter: Where are the in-flight snacks? I have no nuts!
- Ken Titus: [smirking] Truer words, my little nutless friend.
- Tommy Shafter: You shut up.
- Titus: The hardest part about dealing with death is dealing with all the people that want you to deal with death.
- Titus: There's a reason why God makes you look ugly when you're grieving. So people will leave you the hell alone!
- [last lines]
- Captain: Oakland, we've got a disturbance on board. We're diverting to Phoenix. We'll need security at the gate. And have them notify the FBI. Over.
- Erin Fitzpatrick Titus: [to Titus] Honey, honey, listen to me. You really, really do need to grieve. I mean, there is a reason that you saw your mom walking around our house after she already died.
- [Titus stutters]
- Erin Fitzpatrick Titus: Well, there is a reason!
- Ken Titus: Well, of course there is. He's as fruit loops as she was.