- Johnny Carson: [during the "Edge of Wetness" skit] Maxine had such a great time going through menopause, she backed up and went through it again.
- Ronnie Shakes: My grandmother is so morbid. She reads the obituaries every morning and crosses out the names in the phone book.
- Shelley Winters: I think you should have studied law.
- Johnny Carson: [grimaces] It would've saved me a lot of money.
- Johnny Carson: [during monologue] Have you seen this movie Gremlins? I guess gremlins are like Furbies on Mountain Dew.
- Shelley Winters: I asked Cary Grant once how he stayed so young. You know what he said? He learns something new every day.