- Charlie: If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years and came back as a guy... I'd have a *nickel*!
- Bill / Jill: It's me!
- Charlie Harper: Me, who?
- Charlie Harper: [long pause while he stares at the "stranger"] Nooooo.
- Bill / Jill: Yes.
- Charlie Harper: Jill?
- Bill / Jill: Bill.
- Charlie Harper: Noooooo!
- Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
- Charlie Harper: Like what?
- Berta: Oh, I don't know. Go to a fun party? See a great movie? Run into an old flame with a new wick?
- Bill / Jill: Remember when we broke up and I said, "It's not you. It's me"?
- Charlie: Yes! And I believe you now.
- Charlie: [to Bill/Jill] You want to be a real man? Grab hold of those store-bought balls and just tell the truth.
- Charlie: [shakes Bill/Jill's hand; gets up to leave] Nice to see you again. Good luck with the penis.
- Berta: [wants to tell Evelyn that Bill, the man she slept with, used to be a woman] I will clean your house *free* for a month if you let me do it.