- Elvis Costello: You know, Sean never speaks about his siblings.
- Sean Penn: Back off, Mary Poppins! You're workin' on my last nerve.
- Harry Dean Stanton: [to Charlie] Let me tell you something about... "relevant". The root of the word "relevant" is "rel", which is also the root of the word "relative". Your brother is your "relative", ergo, your brother is "relevant".
- Rose: Believe me, Alan. I understand how hurtful it is to be rejected by Charlie and I've found that the only way to get through it is to just love him more. That, and every so often, sneak into his bedroom and try on his underwear.
- Elvis Costello: [while writing down song lyrics based on Sean Penn's thoughts, Elvis Costello comes up with an excuse for what he's writing down] Shopping list. Just a shopping list.
- Jake Harper: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. You know who told me that?
- Alan Harper: I can guess.
- Jake Harper: Uncle Charlie. You know why it's funny? 'Cause it's true!
- Charlie Harper: Alright, are you gonna come back inside or do I have to drag you in by your big, flappy, monkey ears ?
- Rose: Listen to him, Alan. He's begging you.
- Alan Harper: No, thank you, Charlie. I am quite happy chatting out here with Rose.
- Charlie Harper: Okay. I tried to be the loving brother. You sulky little weasel.
- Rose: That really wasn't necessary, Alan.
- Alan Harper: Yes, it was. You're my friend and friends don't just abandon friends because something better comes along.
- Rose: Oh. Well, then, this might sting a bit. I have something else to do and I'm pretty sure it's better.