- Alan Harper: [to Charlie] I'm going to go get Jake, but I'll leave the front door unlocked in case Satan shows up to collect your soul.
- Charlie Harper: She still busting your chops about what Jake said? Look, blame it on me. Tell her I'm sorry.
- Alan Harper: She won't buy it.
- Charlie Harper: Sure she will. Women are suckers for a good apology. Just keep shoveling it on 'til roses start growing in it.
- Alan Harper: Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.
- Jake Harper: I heard Mom say that the reason Uncle Charlie gets in so much trouble is that he thinks with his little head. It's not that little.
- Charlie Harper: Okay. You tell your mother...
- Alan Harper: Charlie!
- Charlie Harper: [changing his tune] ... that women are to be honored and respected.
- Alan Harper: See, Jake. That's the big head talking.
- Jake Harper: [getting a little impatient] But he only has one head!
- Charlie Harper: You wanna tell him, or should we let him spin for awhile?
- Alan Harper: I'd rather he spin.
- Jake Harper: Aw, come on! At least give me a clue!
- Alan Harper: All right. What do men have that women don't?
- Jake Harper: Beards?
- Charlie Harper: Lower.
- Jake Harper: [in a deeper voice] Beards?
- Charlie Harper: There's no pancakes, Rose.
- Alan Harper: Because Jake's not here.
- Berta: 'Cause Charlie's an idiot.
- Rose: Oh, why? I mean, why is Jake not here? Not why is Charlie an idiot.
- Alan Harper: Because we *know* that.
- Charlie Harper: Man, Jake's gonna love this video game! Listen to this: 16 levels of ultra-realistic murder and mayhem, 24 flesh-ripping weapons, *plus*, fortuitous nudity!
- Alan Harper: Let me see that. "Scooter's Magic Tree Fort"?
- Charlie Harper: Scooter's a *Zombie*.