Geoff Pierson: Jack Malloy

Quotes 

• Mr. Floppy : [coming to life just as Jack settles in on the couch to finally eat his burger]  Where the hell have you been? You were supposed to be home at six! If you're gonna be late,you should call! Or, perhaps, if there were some way I could get a hold of you?

  Jack Malloy : Not this again.

  Mr. Floppy : Mr. Cool won't wear a beeper!

  Jack Malloy : You know you'll be calling me for every little thing. Like, you're lonely, you're bored, you want a mochaccino.

  Mr. Floppy : You know, it wouldn't kill you to buy me a mochaccino. Just something that says you're thinking of me. You know that you could buy me a little surprise when you come home from work. A simple rose, a thoughtful card, a tasteful hooter magazine.

  Jack Malloy : Look, will you just tell me what you want me to do in exchange for five minutes of silence, so that I can eat my burger in peace?

  Mr. Floppy : Fine! I want you to carry a beeper! I want a clock radio so I can hear that perky Friends theme song ten times a day! I want a personal trainer, a petite woman with large knockers, skilled in the art of erotic massage

  [wrinkles nose] 

  Mr. Floppy : I want a therapist so I can work through my attachment deals. I want Alicia Silverstone, now! Before she gets fat like that big blondie on Facts of Life!

• Jennie Malloy : Come on, Jack, what are we gonna do about the neighbors?

  Jack Malloy : Well, we seem to be stuck with them, so why don't you just try to make the best of it. Invite this woman over, turn on Ricki Lake, have some international coffee, and talk about women's stuff. You know, getting the laundry white, eliminating pesky household odors, and, oh, that mystery thing that makes you walk on the beach feeling all fresh...

  [smiling at her] 

  Jennie Malloy : Jack, everything you know about women comes from TV commercials. If I believed all of that, I'd believe that men are only interested in beer and scantily-clad women.

  Jack Malloy : [correcting her]  Scantily-clad girls.

• Mr. Floppy : I want three wishes. And my first wish is I want unlimited wishes. And with the other two, I wanna be Emperor of the World. And Alicia Silverstone will be my Empress. Until she gets fat.

  Jack Malloy : You never shut up, do you?

  Mr. Floppy : [as if commanding minions]  Off with his head!

  [Jack sighs to himself] 

  Mr. Floppy : Alicia, off with your clothes!

  [reveling in fantasy] 

  Mr. Floppy : Floppy's world! Floppy's world!

• Jack Malloy : [in front of punching bag]  Aw, I don't know, maybe I gotta call off this fight. After all, I couldn't even block my twerp of a son's jab. What am I gonna do when some huge ham-like fist comes flying at my face?

  Mr. Floppy : There's no way around it. You gotta cheat. You know, take some pennies in your hand and throw them in his face. Then kick him in the groin! Or just spit in his face, and when he wipes it away, kick him in the groin! Or let him hit you in the stomach, puke in his face, and when he goes to wipe it off, kick him in the groin!

  Jack Malloy : You got a lot of unresolved issues under that furry cute exterior.

  [nodding at him] 

  Mr. Floppy : Probably because I grew up in the half-price toy bin. Always feeling just a little inferior to the full-retail toys.

  [lowers head in shame] 

  Mr. Floppy : Like Barney and those snotty 90210 dolls. One day they dropped that Dylan into our bin. He thinks just because he was hot for five minutes with a bad impression of James Dean, he could rule the bin. So I say, hey you drunken impersonator of a teen idol, you forgot the sock in your pocket. He looked down, and I kicked him in the groin!

  [nods to himself, relishing good memory] 

  Mr. Floppy : Then I had my way with the Kelly doll right in front of him.

  [more nodding to himself, fondly reminiscing] 

  Mr. Floppy : She was pretty hot.

  [idea forms:] 

  Mr. Floppy : Add that to my list, a Kelly doll.

  Jack Malloy : And surprisingly, all they have left are Tori Spelling's. You want one of those?

  Mr. Floppy : No thanks.

• Jack Malloy : [after Tiffany sucker-punched Ryan]  Nice shot, sweetheart!

  Tiffany Malloy : [up close against him]  Daddy, I love you!

  Jack Malloy : [nuzzling her]  Ah, you're my little girl. I wouldn't miss these moments for anything.

  [she smiles up at him, then leaves, and he turns to still-recovering Ryan] 

  Jack Malloy : Not so easy with someone your own age, is it?

  [laughs] 

  Ryan Malloy : [sickly]  Dad, I think I'm gonna barf.

  Jack Malloy : Don't do it on the carpet. If you think Tiffany hits hard, don't try your mother.