The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Love and Marriage (1998)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Photos 

Quotes 

• [post credits] 

  Geraldine Granger : So, the man from McDonald's goes to the Pope, and he says, "Holy Father, I have a proposition for you. I will give the church a million quid if every time you say the Lord's prayer you say, 'Give us this day our daily hamburger.'"

  David Horton : Mm-hm.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, the Holy Father thinks about this, and he says, "My son, I cannot change the holy text." So the man says, "OK, fifty million quid." So the Pope thinks and he says, "Well, I'll put it to the cardinals." So he goes to his cardinals and he says, "Cardinals, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I can get the church fifty million smackeroonies. The bad news is we're going to have to lose the contract with Wonderloaf."

  [David laughs heartily] 

  Geraldine Granger : You see, they already had a deal going...

  David Horton : With Daily bread.

  Geraldine Granger : Yes.

  David Horton : I know, I get it.

  Geraldine Granger : You get it?

  David Horton : Brilliant.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, you get it! What a relief!

  [both laugh] 

  David Horton : [seriously]  Stay.

• Jim Trott : [previewing his best man speech]  I would like to begin with a quotation from that great song of Abba's. No no no no n-n-knowing me. No no no no knowing you.

  Geraldine Granger : I'm just going to get some water to drink, all right? I'll be in the kitchen; I'll still be listening.

  Jim Trott : Right. No no no no knowing me. No no no no knowing you, ah-haaa. There is nothing we can do.

• Geraldine Granger : If any person here knows of any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

  Bigamy Lady : Yes!

  [walks forward] 

  Bigamy Lady : I do. The groom is already married.

  [the congregation gasps] 

  Bigamy Lady : He married me three years ago. And don't let him deny it! I've got the marriage certificate to prove it!

  [after Hugo turns round to face her] 

  Bigamy Lady : Oh... sorry. Wrong church.

• [last lines] 

  Simon Horton : I must say, I think marriage looks rather good fun. Don't you, Vicar?

  Geraldine Granger : Well, don't quote me on it, but, uh... Yes. I do.

• Alice Tinker : [about her wedding]  It's all going to be so perfect.

  Geraldine Granger : Yes, although I have been having second thoughts about you wearing this dress.

  Alice Tinker : Really? You think I should go nude?

  Geraldine Granger : No.

  Alice Tinker : It's a thought.

  Geraldine Granger : No, no , no. I just think it should be simpler, that's all.

  Alice Tinker : Oh, you mean like, like lots of hearts or something.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, could be, yeah.

  Alice Tinker : With a different Doctor Who in each one.

  Geraldine Granger : No!

• [first lines] 

  Geraldine Granger : Sorry I'm late. Where are we?

  Hugo Horton : Voting on a name for the new road.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, good. So long as we don't name it after any of us. I hate all that puffy, puffy self-publicity stuff, don't you? So, what's the suggestion?

  Hugo Horton : David Horton Road.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, please! In the name of all that is holy, no!

  David Horton : Actually, I agree with the vicar on this one. Very poor idea, Hugo. Personally I'd rather we named it in memory of someone who is no longer with us, someone like, say... my predecessor as chairman of the parish council.

  Owen Newitt : Very good idea.

  David Horton : Excellent.

  Geraldine Granger : Your predecessor being, let me just get this right, your father's cousin? Whose name was...?

  David Horton : David Horton, that's right. All those in favour of naming it David Horton Road, after my predecessor?

  [all but Geraldine raise their hands] 

  David Horton : Carried.

• David Horton : [On seeing the design for Alice's wedding dress]  Oh, please tell me she is not wearing *that*.

  Geraldine Granger : No. That is a piece of paper with a drawing on it - the actual thing will be made of the finest quality wool and linoleum.

• Geraldine Granger : [Looking at herself in the mirror]  Oh God. I forgot to put my makeup on! Oh... hell.

  [Waves a hand dismissively] 

  Geraldine Granger : Who cares? It's the woman inside that counts. Isn't it, Ally Pally?

  Alice Tinker : Every time, Vic Stick.

  Geraldine Granger , Alice Tinker : Girl Power!

  [Both make 'peace' signs] 

• David Horton : Geraldine, I'd like you to meet someone. This is my little brother Simon.

  [Simon holds out his hand. Geraldine gapes on seeing that he is incredibly handsome] 

  Geraldine Granger : [Trying to hide her unmade face with her hair]  Er... would you excuse just, erm...?

  [In speeded up motion, she rushes back to the vicarage, then runs back to David's house and re-enters the room now wearing makeup, pushing past Hugo and Alice] 

  Geraldine Granger : Move it! Hi!

  [Shakes Simon's hand enthusiastically] 

  Geraldine Granger : I'm Geraldine.

• Geraldine Granger : Owen, I'm going to have to cancel the wedding.

  Owen Newitt : Because of a sniffle?

  Geraldine Granger : No, because I just found out last night that Alice's biological father is *David Horton*!

  Owen Newitt : Yes, that's right. What's the problem?

  Geraldine Granger : [Incredulously]  Sorry? Has the British legal and ethical system entirely bypassed Dibley? David Horton! You do know who I mean by David Horton?

  Owen Newitt : Yes. The cousin of our David Horton's father. His predecessor on the Council. Dirty Dave Horton, the Stud of Stadhampton.

  Geraldine Granger : [Relieved]  Oh, right! Right, obviously! Oh, Owen.

  [Kisses him on the cheek] 

  Geraldine Granger : I love you!

  Owen Newitt : Shall we go to bed then?

  Geraldine Granger : No.

• Geraldine Granger : Repeat after me: I, Alice Springs Tinker...

  Alice Tinker : ...take thee, Hugo Horton.

  Geraldine Granger : [Trying to hide her confusion]  Take thee... Hugo Horton.

  Alice Tinker : To be my lawful wedded husband.

  Geraldine Granger : To be my lawful wedded husband...

  [Cuts Alice off] 

  Geraldine Granger : ... to have and to hold...

  Alice Tinker : To have and to hold.

  Geraldine Granger : From this day forward...

  Alice Tinker : For richer, for poorer.

  Geraldine Granger : [Slightly exasperated]  For better, for worse. Till death us do part, amen.

  Alice Tinker : In sickness and in health.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, that too.