The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Winter (1999)

James Fleet: Hugo Horton

Quotes 

• Geraldine Granger : Right, well. Thank you everyone for an excellent day's rehearsal - after a slightly shaky start. Right, the poster.

  [Holds up a poster bearing the legend 'THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD' to expressions of approval,] 

  Geraldine Granger : What do you think?

  Owen : Oh, I don't know about *that*.

  Geraldine Granger : What?

  Owen : Well, I just don't think it *is* the greatest story ever told. I mean, there's that great story about the people whose house was burgled and they thought the robbers hadn't taken anything, and then they developed their photographs some months later, and they found pictures of the robbers with toothbrushes up their bottoms.

  Geraldine Granger : So... what, you think I should write The *Second* Greatest Story Ever Told?

  Hugo Horton : Yes, there is that fantastic story about the woman whose husband got out of the car, and she heard this banging on the roof. And the police said 'Get out of the car, and don't look round!' But she *did* look round, a-and it was a lunatic actually banging her husband's severed head on the roof of the car.

  Alice Horton : [Mouths in horror]  Oh my God!

  Geraldine Granger : [Sardonically]  Well, perhaps I should just write 'One of the Top Ten Greatest Stories Ever Told'?

  Owen : That's forgetting all those great Jackie Collins stories. The Bitch, The Stud...

  Frank Pickle : And Beatrix Potter of course! She wrote lovely stories.

  Hugo Horton : Yeah. And News From the South East have some excellent local stories!

  Geraldine Granger : Right, right. Sorry, can we just stop right there? Can I *please* just remind you all a little bit about the story we're actually telling here? 2,000 years ago, a baby is born in a stable. The poorest of the poor. And yet during His lifetime, He says things that are *so astonishing*, that millions of people are still living their lives by them today. He said... 'Love thy neighbor'. He told us to turn the other cheek. Whatever people might do to us.

  Owen : Does that include that Simon bonking you like a beach ball?

  Geraldine Granger : Yes - it does, Owen. Sadly, it does!

  [Sits down] 

  Geraldine Granger : But *most* astonishingly, I believe that this tiny little baby boy actually was the Son of God. And when He was younger than I am today, He was brutally crucified for simply telling people to love each other. And the men who killed Him thought 'That's it, that's the end of it. He's dead, He's gone'. And yet, here we are. 2,000 years later. In a village, in the middle of England, doing a play about His birth! Now I think that's a pretty great story!

  [the others give murmurs of assent] 

  Owen : Yes, alright. It's a good poster - leave it as it is.

  Geraldine Granger : Thank you.

  [Stands up] 

  Geraldine Granger : Although I do admit, the one about the toothbrushes is pretty gripping - perhaps we'll do that next year!

  Hugo Horton : [laughs]  Bags Frank plays the toothbrush!

  Frank Pickle : [Dreamily]  Yes please!

• Geraldine Granger : Sorry I'm late, everyone. I was glued to the footy. You know, with digital telly you can choose your own camera angles? I've just watched the entire Spurs match from right in front of David Ginola's shorts!

  [Sits down] 

  Jim Trott : I was glued to the telly today as well.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, are you a footy fan, Jim?

  Jim Trott : No no no no, I mean I was *actually* glued to the telly. I-I was trying to build an Airfix model of the Starship Enterprise, a-and I had a bit of spillage.

  Hugo Horton : How did you get *un*stuck?

  Jim Trott : Well, I... I didn't. I...

  [Lifts his hand from under the table to reveal a TV set stuck to it]