- President Johnny Cyclops: That new defense general of theirs looks like a real slippery son of a bitch.
- The Deacon: I should hope so, sir, he's one of ours.
- Commisar Solzhenitsyn: So; your government has turned you over to us to do what we want with you.
- Jonathon Hopper: That's not what the papers said.
- Commisar Solzhenitsyn: You've seen the papers?
- Jonathon Hopper: Yes.
- [Commisar looks at Politburo member]
- Politburo Member: They ordered continental breakfast, Commisar.
- Commisar Solzhenitsyn: Continental breakfast?
- Politburo Member: Fruit juice, Toast, a choice of jams and the morning's paper.
- Commisar Solzhenitsyn: From now on no maximum secuirty prisoners will be allowed newspapers.
- Politburo Member: Yes, Commisar.
- Commisar Solzhenitsyn: And a choice of jams only to be given upon confession.
- President Johnny Cyclops: This is a disaster. How am I ever gonna get re-elected when I'm ten points behind Charles Manson in the popularity poles?
- [Cyclops looks out of the window and sees a cross - complete with crucifixion victim]
- President Johnny Cyclops: Deacon, don't you think the Easter decorations are a little severe?
- The Deacon: A mere icon sir, essential if we're to snatch the Catholic vote from the Democrats. Besides it gives college students something to do during their Easter break.
- President Johnny Cyclops: Hello Deacon. Nice to see you're feeling more optimistic today.
- The Deacon: If The Lord meant us to be optimistic; he wouldn't have given us life insurance.
- Jay Garrick: WBC day time news, bringing you all the news that's news, I'm Jay Garrick. The coffee time headlines. There was another false nuclear alert today in the air force base; for three seconds it was believed we were at war. The problem was caused by a numerical overload of a space invaders machine in the officer's req. room. Officials say that the problem didn't get past computer stage, and that no tatical fighters were not half way to Russia before turning back.
- Jay Garrick: In other news, a woman who secured a lock of Frank Sinatra's hair twenty years ago has sold it back to him for an undisclosed sum of money.
- Premier Dubienkin: I am Salazar Dubienkin, Soviet Premier.
- American ambassador: I'm the American ambassador.
- Premier Dubienkin: Of course, of course. This is the first time we have met?
- American ambassador: No; we've met on two hundred and thirty eight other occasions.
- The Deacon: Did you finish reading the report, sir?
- President Johnny Cyclops: Deacon, it's over two inches thick!
- The Deacon: Well, why didn't you just skip to the conclusions at the end?
- President Johnny Cyclops: I didn't want to spoil the ending!
- President Johnny Cyclops: Who are you going to find who is fool enough to host a murderer?
- The Deacon: The Conservative government of Britain had no objection. They said they will look after the Shah for as long as they're in power.
- President Johnny Cyclops: Well good. How long's that?
- The Deacon: About a week.
- President Johnny Cyclops: Armageddon... Armageddon...
- [we reveal Cyclops is looking at a world atlas]
- President Johnny Cyclops: No, doesn't seem to be here. There's an Albuquerque. Must be a misprint. "President Cyclops will soon be on course for Albuquerque." Must be a conference there next month.
- U.S. drilling officer: The FB11. The most advanced fighter plane we have, and will be deployed shortly to this facility. It has greater wing velocity, and it's swing-wing...
- [Sekowsky rushes to get his equipment]
- U.S. drilling officer: Sekowsky! What are you doing?
- Sekowsky: Emergency procedure, sir!
- U.S. drilling officer: Sit down.
- Sekowsky: Sorry sir, but those words sounded like a bell going off.
- U.S. drilling officer: Deploy?
- Sekowsky: No.
- U.S. drilling officer: Facility?
- Sekowsky: No.
- U.S. drilling officer: Swing wing?
- [Sekowsky panics and goes for his equipment again]
- U.S. drilling officer: Sekowsky!
- Sekowsky: Sorry, sir. It ain't my fault. It's the words. Swing-wing. Sounds too much like ding-aling!
- [the other soldiers all panic and go for their equipment]
- The Deacon: We have three options, sir. The first one involves a sneak attack when everyone is facing Mecca. The second involves deploying our Egyptian missiles, but it's risky. People are already noticing there are more pyramids then before.
- [the Shah is giving directions]
- Shah Mashiq Rassim: Left, left, no right! Left. Abdab, is the blindfold really necessary?
- U.S. drilling officer: Now if ya can't sit still, you know what I'm gonna do, right?
- Soldiers: Yes, sir.
- U.S. drilling officer: And what's that?
- Soldiers: Screw our boots to the floor, sir.
- U.S. drilling officer: Screw your boots to the floor! And I've got the screwdriver right here. Now -
- Sekowsky: It's all right for him, his boots are already screwed to the floor.
- U.S. drilling officer: What was that, Sekowsky?
- Sekowsky: Nothing, sir.
- U.S. drilling officer: I thought I heard you say something?
- Sekowsky: Nope.
- U.S. drilling officer: Something about my boots being screwed to the floor.
- Sekowsky: No, sir.
- U.S. drilling officer: Good. Now, the other plane is the Tiger, which I have a model of over here.
- [he attempts to move to get it, but is stuck]