- Ryan Stiles: [in "Greatest Hits"] Hey, Colin.
- Colin Mochrie: Yeah, Ryan?
- Ryan Stiles: What comes to mind when I say Ricky Ricardo and great cigars?
- Colin Mochrie: Oh, tapioca.
- Ryan Stiles: [taken by surprise] Really? Why's that?
- Colin Mochrie: Wasn't that his big song?
- [as Ricky Ricardo]
- Colin Mochrie: "TAPIOOOOOCAA! TAPIOOOOCAA!"
- Ryan Stiles: [starting to laugh] No, Colin. I'm talking about Cu...
- [bursts into laughter]
- Ryan Stiles: I'm talking about Cuba, Colin.
- [Ryan glances at Colin, and bursts into laughter again; he then turns around on his stool to hide his face]
- Colin Mochrie: Cuba. It's a small island.
- Ryan Stiles: [trying to compose himself] It is. Why don't you tell the people about it?
- Colin Mochrie: You know what, Ryan? Why don't we just leave Cuba behind for a second. Let's go to another island.
- Ryan Stiles: [instantly perking up] All right.
- Colin Mochrie: An island where some of my favorite music can be found: Ska.
- Ryan Stiles: [gasp] Ska! It's like a bunch of crows. Skaaaa!
- Colin Mochrie: [like Ricky Ricardo again] Tapioooocaa!
- [Ryan shakes his head]
- Colin Mochrie: No.
- [performing "Show-Stopping Number"]
- Ryan Stiles: I'm taking the money/But I am not on the take/I just find it hard to stay awake/Oh, boy, I'm tired/I could use a mocha/I crack up when I hear "tapioca"!
- Greg Proops: [in "Hats", wearing a rabbit mask]
- [muffled]
- Greg Proops: I'm not into protection.
- [no audience response]
- Drew Carey: Say it again.
- Greg Proops: [takes mask off] What?
- Drew Carey: I don't think they heard you.
- Greg Proops: Oh, could no one hear me? Maybe it's because of this fucking mask I'm wearing.
- Drew Carey: Hey, uh, hey Ryan. Did you know you can get massages over the internet now?
- Ryan Stiles: I didn't know that, Drew.
- Drew Carey: Yeah, they're not bad, but you gotta use your own hands.
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Greatest Hits"] What comes to mind when I say "tapioca"?
- Colin Mochrie: The magical country of Cuba.
- Ryan Stiles: Right you are! That's right, the Cubal- Cuban missile crisis, the Bay of Pigs, which oddly enough, is the same name as a bar that I drank at last night.
- Greg Proops: [in "World's Worst", the subject is priest or rabbi] Hold him steady, I've had a drink.
- [mimes performing circumcision]
- Ryan Stiles: What exactly IS a lap dance?
- Drew Carey: [impersonating Bill Clinton] Yes, I heard your confession, and let me tell you, I don't think you had sex with that woman.
- Ryan Stiles: I understand, you've slept with three women.
- [whispering loudly to his left]
- Ryan Stiles: He slept with three women.
- Colin Mochrie: Mmm. Well, say ten Hail Marys and the "Gilligan's Island" theme.
- Ryan Stiles: If you'll... turn to your hymn book, page thirt- go.
- [holds right hand to right ear]
- Ryan Stiles: Go! GO! GO! GO!
- Greg Proops: Domine padre, y spiritu sanctu... uh... ix-nay on the in-say.
- Drew Carey: [impersonating Jerry Lewis] WELL HEY, IF YOU GIVE ME THE KNIFE AND THE BABY, I'LL GIVE IT A LITTLE CUT WITH THE HEY!
- [all the performers laugh]
- Ryan Stiles: Jerry Lewis is the rabbi?
- [Greg accidentally snorts while laughing, causing more audience laughter. Colin walks out but Wayne buzzes him before he can say anything. Ryan steps forward again]
- Ryan Stiles: Today, I'll be delivering the sermon as John Wayne.
- [impersonating John Wayne]
- Ryan Stiles: In the beginning...
- Drew Carey: Hello, my flock.
- [rapping]
- Drew Carey: I like big butts and I cannot lie! Those other brothers can't deny!
- Colin Mochrie: [in "Greatest Hits", about songs of college] We'll be back to our panel on heart problems in "The Angina Monologues", in just a second.
- Ryan Stiles: "Angina". I'm not even sure what that word means.
- Colin Mochrie: You know what? You would, if you'd gone to college.
- Ryan Stiles: Well, I quit high school halfway through to serve my troops in Granada.
- Colin Mochrie: [chuckles] Yeah, that's a good excuse.
- Ryan Stiles: I didn't FIGHT; I just served my troops.
- Colin Mochrie: Yeah, I know. Because you didn't have a college education.
- Ryan Stiles: That's right, and we've put fifty songs about college life onto fifty CDs.
- Colin Mochrie: How many CDs is that a song?
- Ryan Stiles: Well that's...
- [pretends to be confused]
- Colin Mochrie: [nods and shakes his head at the camera] It's a good thing you're an actor.
- Greg Proops: [in "Weird Newscasters", playing "the dominatrix Colin has hired for the evening"] Get! Down! On your knees! You gelatinous, spineless, worthless piece of garbage! Who's a bad boy?
- Colin Mochrie: I'm a dirty anchor! I'm a dirty anchor!
- Greg Proops: Who says the bad words on the news?
- Colin Mochrie: I say the bad words, madam.
- Greg Proops: Not good enough, worm! Slap!
- [mimes whipping Colin]
- Colin Mochrie: Oh, more, more, ma'am... sir.
- Greg Proops: Can't make up your mind, eh?
- [mimes burning Colin with a lit cigar]
- Colin Mochrie: Oh! Oh! Oh!... Hey, I'm trying to cut down.
- Greg Proops: You make me SICK.
- [to camera]
- Greg Proops: Now, sports.
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Film Dub", the scene being "celebrating a special occasion"]
- [voicing a man]
- Ryan Stiles: Oh, I forgot. I was gonna bring a knife to put in your back.
- Greg Proops: [voicing a woman] That is so thoughtful of you. Have you tried your drink? It's poison.
- Wayne Brady: [in "Showstopping Number", set at a toll booth]
- [singing]
- Wayne Brady: Because you better listen, because I'll tell you boss. / Because you're goin' upstate, just like you're goin' to "Oz". / And don't you see, you understand, just listen to me, / your butt's gonna be the finest chick in the penitentiary!
- Wayne Brady: [in "Hats", wearing a taxi cab driver hat] Ah, all right, that'll be $12.50.
- [audience reacts with disgust]
- Wayne Brady: [defensively] For the taxi cab ride! You guys are horrible.