- Ryan Stiles: [in "Hoedown", about directors]
- [singing]
- Ryan Stiles: Our director, he really is the boss. / For yelling and screaming, he's never at a loss. / He's the meanest guy that you will ever see. / He should sprout a mustache and move to Germany!
- [audience cheers]
- Drew Carey: [before "Title Sequence"] Somebody in this section over here, gimme a suggestion of two unlikely roommates.
- [an audience member says, "Bill Cosby and Hitler"]
- Drew Carey: Bill Cosby...
- [audience laughs]
- Drew Carey: Bill Cosby and Hitler, certainly unlikely roommates. If there were unlikely roommates. So-
- [stage manager shouts "Whoa! Whoa!" and approaches Drew]
- Drew Carey: You've GOTTA be kidding me. Come on.
- [the stage manager murmurs to Drew]
- Ryan Stiles: Not THAT Hitler.
- Brad Sherwood: Rudolph Hitler.
- Wayne Brady: [impersonating Bill Cosby] "Would you like some Jell-o, Hitler?"
- Drew Carey: Somebody over there...
- [Ryan chuckles]
- Drew Carey: Somebody over there, give me, uh, an occupation.
- [a few audience members shout suggestions]
- Drew Carey: Insurance salesman. The name of the seventies sitcom you're gonna be singing about is "Bill Cosby and Insurance Salesman". Motherfuckin' hilarious, isn't it?
- Drew Carey: [in "Scenes from a Hat"] How the cast of "Baywatch" would react to an actual emergency."
- Wayne Brady: Fire!
- [mimes taking off his clothes]
- Wayne Brady: Fire! Run!
- Ryan Stiles: Wait right there, I'll... wait right there I'll...
- [looks to his left]
- Ryan Stiles: Line!
- Wayne Brady: I'm falling!
- [mimes using his breasts as a inflatable that he lands on]
- Drew Carey: You can do THAT, but whatever you do, don't fucking make fun of Hitler.
- [audience laughs/cheers]
- Wayne Brady: [mock German] falling!
- [mimes bouncing on his inflatable]
- Drew Carey: "If Tarzan and Tonto were roommates."
- Brad Sherwood: Move your horse!
- Colin Mochrie: Eh.
- Brad Sherwood: [as Tonto] You want watch TV?
- Wayne Brady: [does Tarzan's trademark yell]
- Brad Sherwood: [as Tonto]
- [puts head to ground]
- Brad Sherwood: Tarzan, your in-laws are coming.
- Drew Carey: [sarcastic] I love that; let's make fun of the Native Americans all we want. Who gives a shit about them?
- [audience laughs/cheers]
- Brad Sherwood: [as Tonto] Will you go upstairs and tell Hitler to be quiet?
- Drew Carey: What'd I DO?
- Drew Carey: [after Ryan licks Colin's ear in "Let's Make a Date"] That picture's so nasty, they won't even post that on the internet!
- Wayne Brady: [in "Let's Make a Date"] Bachelor number one, I love a man in uniform. I'd like to know what kind of uniform would you dress up in for... me. You have to pardon my inflections.
- Brad Sherwood: [subtitle: "Puritan witch hunter who sees the devil's work everywhere"] Yes, well, not only your participle was dangling there, little missy. What kind of behavior is that? I'll tell you right now. I'd put you in a stockade, or maybe a spanking or two. I don't know what kind of work you're doing, but I know it can't be the Lord's work.
- Wayne Brady: I'm sorry. I stopped listening at "spanking".
- Colin Mochrie: [in "If You Know What I Mean", set at a hotel] What's wrong?
- Ryan Stiles: ...Uh.
- Colin Mochrie: You look like you're expecting a vacancy, if you know what I mean.
- Ryan Stiles: Well, it's just, uh, I plan on, uh...
- [chuckles]
- Brad Sherwood: Looks like your elevator's not goin' up, if you know what I mean.
- [Drew and audience laugh]
- Ryan Stiles: Well, I'm short on towels and ash trays, if you know what I mean.
- Brad Sherwood: Well he
- [pointing to Colin]
- Brad Sherwood: can help you service that, if you know what I mean.
- Colin Mochrie: Well I'm gonna give you the big "turn down", if you know what I mean.
- Ryan Stiles: It's time to change the sheets, if you know what I mean.
- Brad Sherwood: Don't let me be the one to put the mint on your pillow, if you know what I'm talking about.
- [Colin and Ryan stare blankly]
- Brad Sherwood: No?
- Ryan Stiles: Well I think it's time for you to gather some ice in your bucket, if you know what I mean.
- Colin Mochrie: You've stolen enough towels, if you know what I mean.
- Brad Sherwood: Really? Well see if I "do not disturb" YOU, if you know what I mean.
- Ryan Stiles: [mimes tapping a bell] Ding ding ding ding ding, if you know what I mean.
- [gives an "I dunno" look]
- Colin Mochrie: Well I'm holding out for a bigger tip, if you know what I mean.