Wonderfalls (TV Series)

Wound-up Penguin (2004)

Carrie Preston: Sister Katrina

Quotes 

• Darrin Tyler : Jaye-bird, sweetheart. What a nice surprise!

  Karen Tyler : [to Aaron]  Tupperware is not an eating vessel. Hi. I'm Karen Tyler.

  Sister Katrina : Sister Ka... Katrina. Just Katrina.

  Darrin Tyler : You're a nun! Well, that's fantastic.

  Sister Katrina : Ex-nun. It's just Katrina.

  Darrin Tyler : Oh.

  Aaron Tyler : [to Jaye]  You never said she was a nun.

  Sister Katrina : Ex.

• Aaron Tyler : God has to talk to people. How else would mankind know God's will?

  Jaye Tyler : That's a very good point. This is helping. Say more.

  [to Katrina] 

  Jaye Tyler : And you need to listen closely. He has a theology degree. Several, actually. How many do you need?

  Aaron Tyler : One more. Leave me alone. But just because a scripture says God's talking doesn't mean God's "talk" talking. People tend to take license with that detail. It's not always gonna be...

  [shaking an animal figurine] 

  Aaron Tyler : "Hello, Jaye."

  Jaye Tyler : Stop that.

  Aaron Tyler : Well, some folks believe that early man's gut instinct was God telling our ancestors to fight, flee, or f... fun have. Although, several prominent serial killers claim that God gave them very specific instructions.

  Sister Katrina : This isn't helping anymore.

  Jaye Tyler : [punching Aaron in the arm]  Why'd you got to the serial killer place?

• Jaye Tyler : What was all that "Leave me alone" screaming about? And you said "jackass".

  Sister Katrina : [giving her a handful of bills]  Here. Here. Take it. It's all I have. It was just a turkey club, for the love of God. You don't have to hunt a person down.

  Father Joe Scofield : You stole food?

  Sister Katrina : I'm not proud.

  Father Joe Scofield : How much was the club?

  Eric Gotts : It's not about sandwich money. We're trying to help her.

  Jaye Tyler : Yeah, missionary man. And where do you get off browbeating a hooker? Jesus was nice to prostitutes.

  Father Joe Scofield : Sister Katrina isn't a prostitute.

  Jaye Tyler : Now I'm going to hell.

• Sister Katrina : Let me go! I won't go back! I can't! Why can't you leave me alone?

  Eric Gotts : [bursting in and grabbing the man in black by the throat]  She said leave her alone! Now, how's about you listen?

  Sister Katrina : Don't hurt him. He's a priest.

  Eric Gotts : You're... a priest?

  Sister Katrina : Father Scofield.

  Jaye Tyler : [letting him go, Eric turns to her, mortified]  You're going to hell.

• Eric Gotts : You're a nun?

  Sister Katrina : Not anymore. I'm not going back there. I can't. I can't.

  Jaye Tyler : Back where?

  Sister Katrina : The convent.

  Jaye Tyler : Why not? Did you "Agnes of God" her? I bet he did. I bet he "Agnes of God"-ed all over her.

  Father Joe Scofield : Would you shut up?

• Jaye Tyler : [Katrina stares at a plate of chili cheese fries]  Are you praying? Did they give you food shame at the convent?

  Sister Katrina : The food was glorious. Sister Suzanne took cuisines of the Americas.

  Eric Gotts : Maybe now is a good time to come up with a plan. Can you type?

  Sister Katrina : No.

  Jaye Tyler : So, is Sister Suzanne mean?

  Sister Katrina : She's a lovely person.

  Jaye Tyler : I always picture nuns being mean.

  Eric Gotts : I do, too. And I don't know why.

  Jaye Tyler : Well, it's probably because they...

  [turning attention back to Katrina] 

  Jaye Tyler : Although you seem nice. Did the mean nuns pick on you?

  Sister Katrina : No, nobody picked on me. It was a sisterhood. We all took the same vows. I loved the convent. We grew alfalfa in the fields.

  Muse : Bring her back to him.

  Jaye Tyler : If you were so happy with the sisters in the field, why'd you leave?

  Sister Katrina : It was... the cheese. The cheese was my undoing. This is the miracle of life melted over these chili fries. A bacterial flirtation with enzymes. The comingling of friendly microorganisms giving birth to curds and whey. "And from dust, he created the universe."

  Jaye Tyler : The diary board must love you.

• Father Joe Scofield : Sister, everyone's very worried about you. After 12 years, you don't just up and leave without explanation. What happened?

  Sister Katrina : It doesn't matter! I'm not going back!

  Father Joe Scofield : Well, you can't stay here.

  Eric Gotts : Why the hell not? You can't force her to go. She's standing there telling you she's not coming back. Now, to me, that means she's not coming back. So if the good sister wants to move on with her life, I suggest you stand aside and let her move on.

  Jaye Tyler : Amen.

• Sister Katrina : The microorganisms in this cheese... tell me God exists. This sack of meat that holds a soul tells me God exists. God himself, however, hasn't told me anything. Not really. Not definitively. And certainly not out loud.

  Jaye Tyler : You don't really want the "out loud" part, do you? I mean, it's gotta be upsetting. I'm sure of it.

  Sister Katrina : Not as upsetting as doubt. It's a sin to live in his house when doubt lives in your heart. And I know the exact moment it moved in. I was in the kitchen nibbling on the fresh pecorino Sister Louise brought back from Italy, and I thought, "What if it's just cheese? What if I'm just cheese? What if this sack of meat is just a bacterial flirtation, and my soul is only a comingling of friendly microorganisms?"

  Jaye Tyler : But God's your thing. I mean, you grew alfalfa and took a vow.

  Sister Katrina : But how am I supposed to commit my life to something I'm not sure is real?

  Muse : Bring her back to him.

  Jaye Tyler : To who?

  Sister Katrina : To me. He has to be real to me. He has to show me. Otherwise, I'm just praising the word of some phantom bully in the sky.

  Muse : Bring her back to him.

  Jaye Tyler : Oh, "Him". With the big "H". I get it.

  Eric Gotts : Who did you think we were talking about?

• Jaye Tyler : I had a whole thing I was gonna say. I got it out of a fondue cookbook. Still wanna hear it?

  Sister Katrina : I don't need to. I know why God doesn't talk to me. He doesn't talk to anyone. He can't.

  Jaye Tyler : Sure, he can. He just doesn't wanna.

  Sister Katrina : No, he just doesn't exist.

  Jaye Tyler : So, do you not believe in anything anymore, or is it just... G-dash-D?

  Sister Katrina : Isn't G-dash-D supposed to be my everything? That's what I used to believe. And since I can't believe that, there's nothing to believe in.

  Jaye Tyler : Okay. Cone of silence? I believe in something. Sort of. And it does talk to me and may actually be God, but has never said so specifically.

  Sister Katrina : Well, what is it? What talks to you?

  Jaye Tyler : [pointing to the Muse's avatars]  They do.

  Sister Katrina : Go on, pull the other one. It plays "Ave Maria".

  Jaye Tyler : No, really. They tell me to do things. And if I don't, they sing and keep me up all night. And then eventually I do what they say. I don't even know what they are. However, I do know they talk. Or something talks through them. Either way, it's not pleasant.

  Sister Katrina : That doesn't sound like God. That sounds like the devil.

  Jaye Tyler : Oh, good. 'Cause if you believe in the devil, you believe in God.

  Sister Katrina : But which one is it?

  Jaye Tyler : I don't know. They won't say.

  Sister Katrina : There's only one way to be sure. Cast it out.

  Jaye Tyler : Can we do that?

• Father Joe Scofield : [being asked to perform an exorcism]  Are you out of your mind?

  Jaye Tyler : I'm willing to try anything. I mean, she's willing to try anything to help me, which does help her with that one issue. It's a big circle of help.

  Sister Katrina : She's afflicted. Demons live inside of her. They talk to her and they tell her to do things. She needs our help to purge them.

  Jaye Tyler : Sadly, it's all true.

  Father Joe Scofield : I don't know what you're after here, but I don't do exorcisms. They're violent and dangerous and stupid.

  Jaye Tyler : Hey, Father, come on. Let's not discourage her. She's eager to do God's work. Please? I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks.

  Sister Katrina : Do this with me, Father, and I will willingly and joyously return to the convent with you. God works in mysterious ways. You know that. Well, isn't it possible that the reason God never spoke to me is because he needed me to run away because he needed me to end up here because he needed you to follow me so you could use your expert knowledge to cast out demons from this poor girl's soul?

  Jaye Tyler : Amen, sister.

• Sister Katrina : Father, it's God's work.

  Father Joe Scofield : No, it is this woman's work.

  Sister Katrina : Yes, yes. God kept you here. He brought us here to perform his work for Jaye.

  Father Joe Scofield : Is that so? Katrina has been living in a nunnery these past 12 years. Please bear in mind that I have not.

  Jaye Tyler : What? Her faith is back and possibly better than ever. You should be thanking me.

  Father Joe Scofield : And what is it that you're hoping to get from us by way of thanks?

  Jaye Tyler : Well, since you mention it, there is one little thing.

  Father Joe Scofield : [loudly]  An exorcism?

  Jaye Tyler : [in a shushing tone]  I have to drink in here.

• Jaye Tyler : Just so we're clear, calling a girl the devil in front of the boy she likes, not the best way to keep a friend.

  Sister Katrina : You're not my friend. You're a liar. And so's the devil. I'm not friends with the devil. Or with liars. Devil!

  Jaye Tyler : I'm not a liar. Not in this instance, anyway.

  Sister Katrina : You bet Father Scofield you could restore my faith in 24 hours, and then you pretended to be my friend. Are you pentecostal? Are you trying to scare God into my dirty, sinful, hellbound, unsaved heart?

  Jaye Tyler : I didn't pretend to be your friend. I was forced to be your friend. Those are two very different things.

  Sister Katrina : You're horrible. You make up this story about demons talking to you through plastic animals when nothing talks to you, just like nothing talks to me.

  Jaye Tyler : I didn't make anything up.

  Muse : [through the wax lion on her car's dashboard]  Break the taillight.

  Jaye Tyler : Ha! You see? It's talking to me right now.

  Sister Katrina : For God's sake.

  Jaye Tyler : Maybe. Maybe it is for God's sake.

  Muse : Break the taillight.

  Jaye Tyler : Except it's telling me to break a taillight. Which is vandalism, which is the devil's work, which is why one little exorcism isn't too much to ask.

• Sister Katrina : Is this fun for you, torturing a wayward nun?

  Jaye Tyler : [sarcastic]  Oh, yeah. This is a laugh riot. This is where I would most like to be right now, standing in the freezing cold being called a liar by a nun...

  [her starts to roll forward] 

  Jaye Tyler : ...and coerced by a wax lion to commit crime. This is so much fun.

  [her car hits another car in front of it, breaking its taillight] 

  Jaye Tyler : Great.

  Sister Katrina : What just happened?

  Jaye Tyler : [to the wax lion]  You bastard! I can't afford my insurance premiums as it is.

  Sister Katrina : Your car, it broke the taillight.

  Jaye Tyler : I know. And since you and the priest aren't going to be helping me, the least you could do is not tell anyone.

• Sister Katrina : I like your monkey.

  Jaye Tyler : I stole it from my therapist's office.

  [setting a plate on the table] 

  Jaye Tyler : Cheese?

  Sister Katrina : This is insulting to both of us.

  Jaye Tyler : It's a pre-made snack platter.

• Sister Katrina : I'm sorry I called you a liar. You're not a liar, Jaye. You're a child of God.

  Jaye Tyler : Oh, good. So you believe in God now?

  [Katrina nods] 

  Jaye Tyler : I brought you back to him? Big "H"?

  Sister Katrina : You most certainly did.

  Jaye Tyler : Huh. Well, smell me. Better than I thought I was.

  [Katrina knocks her out with a chloroform-soaked rag; later, waking from the stupor, Jaye finds herself tied down to her bed] 

  Sister Katrina : Don't you worry, Jaye. I know what I'm doin'. If we have to, we'll cut the devil out of you.

• Sister Katrina : [after being arrested]  They're letting me go. Father, I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you.

  Father Joe Scofield : It's a girl.

  Sister Katrina : Huh?

  Jaye Tyler : He has a kid he didn't know about.

  Sister Katrina : But... h-how?

  Father Joe Scofield : In the usual way. I wasn't always a priest. In my life before, there was a woman... I had no idea. She was on the pill. She must have been looking for me all this time. They pulled me over, uh, for a broken taillight. When they ran my name... I'm a deadbeat dad.

• Sister Katrina : [performing an exorcism on Jaye]  Oh, heavenly father, guide my hand. Give me strength. Talk to me. Tell me what to do.

  Jaye Tyler : Here's what to do. Put down the knife. Untie me and put down the knife.

  Sister Katrina : No! You wanted this. You asked for it.

  Jaye Tyler : No, I didn't. Okay, I did. But I didn't think it would be like this. The voices, the animals, I was just mad at them. But they aren't demonic. It just feels like that sometimes when they make me help people.

• Sister Katrina : I anoint thee with the oil of salvation, that thou mayest have life everlasting.

  Jaye Tyler : I should've listened to my mother. She told me you people were crazy.

• Sister Katrina : Do you believe in the holy spirit?

  Jaye Tyler : What are you gonna do with that knife?

  Sister Katrina : Do you believe in the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, and the remission of sins? Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting?

  Jaye Tyler : No! Yes! Can you repeat the second part?

• Sister Katrina : I exorcise thee, every unclean spirit, uh, in the name of God the Father almighty.

  Jaye Tyler : Katrina, untie me. Untie me now.

  Sister Katrina : Oh, I can't. You'll be flailing soon.

  Jaye Tyler : I don't want to flail. I don't want you to do whatever it is you're gonna do that's gonna make me flail.

  Sister Katrina : That's the demon talking. Jaye wanted this. Jaye, can you hear me? Be strong, Jaye! Be strong! He'll be gone soon!

  Jaye Tyler : HELP!