The Simpsons (TV Series)

HOMR (2001)

Hank Azaria: Meganaut, Comic Book Guy, Professor Frink, Carl, Moe Szyslak, Scientist #1, Groom #2, Wedding Usher, Movie Usher, Captain McAllister, Cletus

Quotes 

• Moe Szyslak : All right, tell me when I hit the sweet spot.

  Homer : Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner pusher!

  Moe Szyslak : All right, all right!

  [he hammers the crayon further up Homer's nose] 

  Homer : De-Fense! Woof! Woof! De-Fense! Woof! Woof!

  Moe Szyslak : Eh, that's pretty dumb. But, uh...

  [hammers the crayon up more] 

  Homer : Extended warranty? How can I lose?

  Moe Szyslak : Perfect.

• [at a Julia Roberts movie parody] 

  Homer : That wasn't funny.

  Patty Bouvier : Wait a minute! Somebody's not laughing! It's him!

  Homer : Hey, don't blame me! This movie is tired and predictable! You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere!

  [all gasp] 

  Dr. Hibbert : I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob.

  Sea Captain : Ably played by Bill Paxton.

  Homer : It's Bill Pullman, you fool!

  [gets thrown out] 

  Movie Usher : Go point out your plot holes elsewhere!

• Cletus : Now hold still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.

• Scientist #1 : [re: the crayon in Homer's brain]  Mr. Simpson, this could be responsible for your... sub-normal intelligence.

  Homer Simpson : Hey! I came here to be drugged, electrocuted, and probed, not insulted.

• Scientist #1 : That appetite suppressant is amazing.

  Scientist #2 : Homer, you really have no desire to eat that food?

  Homer : Food? I'm blind!

  [he starts screaming] 

  Scientist #1 : Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?

  Scientist #2 : We'll let marketing worry about that.

• Homer : [his friends are burning him in effigy]  So, you all hate me?

  Lenny : That's right, brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for working.

  Carl : Not to mention driving to.

  Moe Szyslak : And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A *lot* happier.

  Lenny : You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.

  Homer : Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern...

  [a wood plank hits him on the back of the head] 

  Homer : Ahh!

  Moe Szyslak : Power off, Einstein.

• Mr. Burns : It seems the federales have been tipped off by an anonymous whistleblower.

  Homer : [to himself]  Mm-hmm.

  Mr. Burns : Now, while the plant is brought up to code, there will be massive layoffs. That is to say, total layoffs. Toodles!

  Lenny : Way to put us out of work, genius.

  Carl : I can't feed my family with a codpiece.

  Homer : Wait, you can't hate me. I'm your better. Your better!

• Scientist #1 : [watching one of Homer's test experiments]  Where did that rat come from?

  Scientist #2 : He must have brought it in with him.

  Homer : Hmm...

  [the rat beats him to a buzzer that lights up] 

  Homer : Damn it!

  Scientist #1 : Man, is he dumb. Where do they get these subjects?

  Scientist #2 : He's a little too well-fed to be a wino.

  [spotting something on Homer's x-ray] 

  Scientist #2 : Hey, what's that?

• Lenny : Whatcha mailing, Homer?

  Homer Simpson : I've compiled a thorough safety report on this plant.

  Carl : How come you're not giving it to Mr. Burns?

  Homer Simpson : I've decided to disintermediate the local authorities and send it straight to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

  Lenny : Yeah, and just in time. Every day, there's more skin on my pillow.

  Carl : Yeah, it's nice to have someone with brains in this nuclear plant. Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece.

  Homer Simpson : Comfy, isn't it?

  Carl : Oh, yeah. It provides the freedom and protection I so sorely need.

• Barney : You know, Homer, I got a great way to make money. I'm a human guinea pig.

  Homer : You mean, like, medical testing?

  Barney : Yeah. Medical, military, chewing stuff.

  Moe Szyslak : Chewing stuff?

  Barney : Yeah. Like, you chew on a telephone wire 'til you get a shock.

  Moe Szyslak : Oh, oh, right. Okay.

  Homer : Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous?

  Barney : [opening his shirt to reveal extra ears on his chest]  Ah, you get a few side effects.

  Moe Szyslak : Are those ears?

  Barney : [closing his shirt again]  Ow! Not so loud!

• Homer : Change me back to the blissful boob I was.

  Scientist #1 : I'm sorry, we don't play God here.

  Homer : That's ridiculous. You do nothing but play God. And I think your octoparrot would agree.

  Polly : [squawking]  Polly shouldn't be.