Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
The Spit-Covered Cobbler (2006)
Jon Cryer: Alan Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Alan Harper : I have some very promising auctions on eBay.
Charlie Harper : Oh, really? What are you auctioning?
Alan Harper : A few rare books. A couple of lithos. A set of golf clubs.
Charlie Harper : Since when do you play golf?
Alan Harper : Well, technically, they're your clubs.
Charlie Harper : You're stealing from me?
Alan Harper : Oh, come on! You only bought them so you could go to Palm Springs and pick up lesbians!
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Charlie Harper : This is a short-term relationship, right?
Alan Harper : I don't know...
Charlie Harper : Trust me, it's a short term relationship. I mean, Kandi's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but even *she's* gonna wake up one day and wonder what she's doing shacked up with a penniless putz who's twice her age!
Alan Harper : Kandi's not like that.
Charlie Harper : Just wait. Your first minor stroke and she'll be boinking the cardiologist before you can scrawl "What happened?" on your notepad!
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Kandi : Ouch!
Alan Harper : What?
Kandi : One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan Harper : When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Kandi : Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do!
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Alan Harper : Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?
Charlie Harper : Yeah. Yank out the 8-track and push it off a cliff!
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Kandi : Do you know a good lawyer, Alan?
Alan Harper : No, but my ex-wife does. Why?
Kandi : Because I wanna sue the guy who sold me that lemming!
Alan Harper : You mean "lemon".
Kandi : I do?
[Alan nods]
Kandi : OK!
Alan Harper : Did you get any kind of written guarantee when you bought it?
Kandi : No, it was more of an oral agreement!
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Sid : All right, Mr Harper. I've looked at your daughter's vehicle.
Alan Harper : She's not my daughter.
Sid : Oh. Good for you!
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Alan Harper : [Taking a phone call] Can I have some privacy, please?
Charlie Harper : Sure. Get your own place!
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Alan Harper : [Talking about Kandi] She thinks I'm special. She thinks I'm smart.
Charlie Harper : She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio's father!
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Charlie Harper : Why isn't your car in the garage?
Alan Harper : I loaned it to Kandi.
Charlie Harper : Ah. And how much are you paying to fix hers?
Alan Harper : For your information, nothing.
Charlie Harper : Nothing?
Alan Harper : Not a cent. I'm leasing her a Saturn!
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Alan Harper : [On the phone with his dentist, who recently examined Kandi's teeth] Who told you to look at her wisdom teeth?
Charlie Harper : That girl's got wisdom teeth?