- Alan Harper: I have some very promising auctions on eBay.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, really? What are you auctioning?
- Alan Harper: A few rare books. A couple of lithos. A set of golf clubs.
- Charlie Harper: Since when do you play golf?
- Alan Harper: Well, technically, they're your clubs.
- Charlie Harper: You're stealing from me?
- Alan Harper: Oh, come on! You only bought them so you could go to Palm Springs and pick up lesbians!
- Charlie Harper: This is a short-term relationship, right?
- Alan Harper: I don't know...
- Charlie Harper: Trust me, it's a short term relationship. I mean, Kandi's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but even *she's* gonna wake up one day and wonder what she's doing shacked up with a penniless putz who's twice her age!
- Alan Harper: Kandi's not like that.
- Charlie Harper: Just wait. Your first minor stroke and she'll be boinking the cardiologist before you can scrawl "What happened?" on your notepad!
- Kandi: Ouch!
- Alan Harper: What?
- Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
- Alan Harper: When was the last time you saw a dentist?
- Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do!
- Alan Harper: Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?
- Charlie Harper: Yeah. Yank out the 8-track and push it off a cliff!
- Kandi: Do you know a good lawyer, Alan?
- Alan Harper: No, but my ex-wife does. Why?
- Kandi: Because I wanna sue the guy who sold me that lemming!
- Alan Harper: You mean "lemon".
- Kandi: I do?
- [Alan nods]
- Kandi: OK!
- Alan Harper: Did you get any kind of written guarantee when you bought it?
- Kandi: No, it was more of an oral agreement!
- Sid: All right, Mr Harper. I've looked at your daughter's vehicle.
- Alan Harper: She's not my daughter.
- Sid: Oh. Good for you!
- Alan Harper: [Taking a phone call] Can I have some privacy, please?
- Charlie Harper: Sure. Get your own place!
- Alan Harper: [Talking about Kandi] She thinks I'm special. She thinks I'm smart.
- Charlie Harper: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio's father!
- Charlie Harper: Why isn't your car in the garage?
- Alan Harper: I loaned it to Kandi.
- Charlie Harper: Ah. And how much are you paying to fix hers?
- Alan Harper: For your information, nothing.
- Charlie Harper: Nothing?
- Alan Harper: Not a cent. I'm leasing her a Saturn!
- Alan Harper: [On the phone with his dentist, who recently examined Kandi's teeth] Who told you to look at her wisdom teeth?
- Charlie Harper: That girl's got wisdom teeth?