- MTV announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool brainwashing 12-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. Now, MTV News, the news that is single-handedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool.
- Kurt Loader: Phil Collins warns that a novelty band that makes fun of the handicapped should not be allowed to play at Lallapala-blah-blah-blah, and vows to do everything in his power to stop it. Phil Collins by the way divorced his wife by a fax and then married a 27-year old.
- Chef: Hello there children
- Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny McCormick: [calmly] Hello Chef
- Chef: How's it going?
- Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny McCormick: [politely] Very well, thank you
- Chef: [suspicious] Everything's fine? Why?
- Stan: Because we're on Ritalin
- Chef: What?
- Kyle: We all have attention deficit disorder, so we all started taking Ritalin
- Cartman: [talking like a stoner] It really takes the edge off man, you should try it
- [takes a handful of pills]
- Chef: So that's why all you children are acting so damned boring!
- Kyle: That's correct Chef
- Chef: Damnit, children, you don't need drugs to make you pay attention in school! In my day, if we didn't pay attention we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're tryin' to cure everything with drugs!
- Clinic Doctor: Now, Timmy, I'm going to read you a book called, "The Great Gatsby," by F. Scott Fitzgerald. At the end of the novel I'll ask you a few questions. Are you ready?
- Timmy: Timmih.
- Clinic Doctor: [sits] Okay, here we go.
- [opens the book and clear his throat]
- Clinic Doctor: "In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since"
- ["since since since since..." The clock reads 2:01, but the hours begin to roll by: 3:24, 5:55, 9:09...]
- Clinic Doctor: "so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
- Timmy: Ha-a-a-a-a-h.
- Clinic Doctor: Okay now, Timmy. Can you tell me: In Chapter 7, what kind of car did Gatsby drive?
- Timmy: [fiddles around some, then turns aside] Timmih!
- Clinic Doctor: [rises and slams the book on the floor] Well, that settles it!
- Mr. Mackey: [sits up] Huh?
- Clinic Doctor: This young man definitely has Attention Deficit Disorder!
- Mr. Mackey: [rubs his eyes] Oh oh, I nuh-I knew it.
- Principal Victoria: What can we do for him, doctor?
- Clinic Doctor: Well, ADD is fairly common in kids today. I'm gonna prescribe some Ritalin, and we'll see how that goes for little Timmy.
- Timmy: [softly] Timmih.
- Phil Collins: I know. I'd like to sing the complex and amazing song that won me the Oscar, a song entitlted, "You'll Be In... Me."
- [goes to the piano, sets the Oscar on the piano top and starts playing it]
- Phil Collins: Thanks. You're inside of me. Deep inside of me. So deep inside, I can feel you pushing against my heart.
- Cartman: [all are high on Ritalin] I think we should go to Lalalapalalala anyway just to see Phil Collins.
- Kyle: Yeah. I think Phil Collins rocks the house.
- Cartman: Sounds good.
- Cartman: Then it's decided. Phil Collins concert for all of us. Oh, hold still, Kenny.
- [hits Kenny in the face with a frying pan]
- Stan: Oh my goodness, you killed Kenny.
- Kyle: Bastard.
- Mr. Garrison: [in reference to the Declaration of Independence] And who wrote that document? Hmm... let's see... I know, let's ask the new kid, Timmy.
- Timmy: Timmy!
- Mr. Garrison: No Timmy, it wasn't you.
- Mr. Garrison: Okay children let's settle down!
- [all the children sit there quietly and attentively]
- Mr. Garrison: Huh I mean it, I want it quiet!
- [the children remain calm]
- Mr. Garrison: My god Mr. Hat, these children are so boring on Ritalin. Huh, alright children, were going to learn about human reproduction, what do you think about that?
- [the children don't respond]
- Mr. Garrison: Vaginas and penises! Butt sex!
- [no one says a word]
- Mr. Garrison: Well damnit! Eric don't you have some smartass thing to say?
- Cartman: [calmly and politely] What kind of smartass thing would I say Mr. Garrison?
- Mr. Garrison: [grabs his head in anger] This is driving me crazy! I can't handle you little bastards being so mellow!
- Kyle: Gee you seem a little stressed Mr. Garrison, why don't you try some Ritalin?
- [hands a bottle to Mr. Garrison who grabs it and dumps the pills down his throat]
- Cartman: There you go
- [hallucinates seeing a Christina Aguilera monster]
- Cartman: Woah!
- Chef: [about the children taking Ritalin] Oh it makes me sick! Those damned psychologists prescribe all kinds of medicines to you children without even caring about the side effects!
- Stan: But there are no side effects Chef
- Kyle: Not at all
- Cartman: [hallucinates seeing a Christina Aguilera monster] Did you guys see that?
- Stan: See what?