Futurama (TV Series)

Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love? (2000)

Billy West: Philip J. Fry, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Human Punching-Bag

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Fry is being Zoidberg's Cyrano] 

  Fry : Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin.

  Dr. Zoidberg : [calling to Edna]  You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?

  Edna : [pleased]  Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.

• [Zoidberg is trying to attract a mate] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : [screeching]  Craw.

  Female : Keep your jelly away from my eggs.

  Dr. Zoidberg : [screeching]  Craw.

  Female : [Valley Girl accent]  I'm SO not interested.

  Dr. Zoidberg : [screeching]  Craw?

  Female : [Black woman accent]  Hmph. I've heard THAT line before.

• Fry : Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Ask her to mate with me.

  Fry : No, tell her she's special.

  Dr. Zoidberg : But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.

  Fry : Well, tell her that. And then?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Then mating.

  Fry : No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.

  [Dr. Zoidberg raises his hand] 

  Fry : Yes?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Is desire to mate a feeling?

  Fry : Ugh, you're not even trying.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.

• Leela : No offense, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap.

  Fry : [offended]  Sack?

• [Zoidberg has caught Fry in bed with Edna, a lobster alien] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : [enraged]  Fry. I challenge you to "clawplach".

  Fry : English, please?

  Dr. Zoidberg : A fight to the death.

  Edna : And if you survive, we'll make sweet love.

  [Fry pauses to think it over, then screams] 

• [Fry enters naked into a steam room where Amy and Leela are bathing] 

  Fry : Co-ed steam rooms. I LOVE the future.

  Leela : Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room.

  Fry : Ahhh. Fu-tur-istic.

  Amy Wong : [indicating Fry's crotch]  Psst. Look what life was like before genetic engineering.

  Leela : Those poor 20th century women.

• Dr. Zoidberg : Fry, it's been years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species, fatal or non-fatal?

• [Dr. Zoidberg is preparing to look for a mate] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : How do I look?

  Bender : Like whale barf.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Then the illusion is complete.

• Fry : My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilization or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything? Dr. Zoidberg is my friend, and though a woman has come between us, I say we'll always remain friends. You know why? For one reason...

  [Dr. Zoidberg cuts off Fry's arm] 

  Fry : You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!

  [begins hitting Zoidberg with his severed arm] 

• Bender : Fry, I've never asked you for anything before, but, if it's not too much trouble, when you get to the ninth round, just let him win.

  Fry : But it's a fight to the death!

  Bender : Oh, so this is suddenly all about you! Sheesh!

• Leela : Dr. Zoidberg, this is madness! You're being irrational!

  Dr. Zoidberg : Of course I'm being irrational! I'm in love!

  Leela : Aww.

• Dr. Zoidberg : I used to hang out here as a larva. It looked so much bigger back then.

  [picks up a hermit crab] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?

  [eats crab] 

• Fry : I just came to tell you Zoidberg is great. He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo.

  Edna : Well, that IS where it comes out...

• Fry : So you have to choose between life without sex and a hideous, gruesome death?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Yes.

  Fry : Tough call.

• Fry : [Fry is telling Zoidberg what to say to Edna, a female]  Tell her you just want to talk, it has nothing to do with mating!

  Dr. Zoidberg : [calling]  I just want to talk, it has nothing to do with mating!

  [to Fry] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : Fry, that doesn't make sense!

  Edna : [calling]  Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense! But OK.

• Fry : People of Decapod 10, far be it from me to criticize your stupid civilization or its dumb customs...!

• Dr. Zoidberg : I want the tactile pleasure in cutting him here...

  [points his claw at Fry's neck] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : ...in the gonads.

  Fry : [to crowd]  Shhhhhh. Nobody correct him.

• Dr. Zoidberg : Fry, it's been years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species, fatal or non-fatal?

  Fry : Fatal.

  Dr. Zoidberg : [holding up wad of cash to Bender]  Large bet on myself in round one!

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : We - by which I mean you - will have to rush him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.

  Fry : Oh, baby! I'm THERE!

  Leela : Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?

  Fry : Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in.

• Fry : Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Ask her to mate with me.

  Fry : No, tell her she's special.

  Dr. Zoidberg : But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.

  Fry : Well, tell her that. And then what?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Then mating.

  Fry : No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.

  [Dr. Zoidberg raises his hand] 

  Fry : Yes?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Is desire to mate a feeling?

  Fry : Ugh, you're not even trying.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.

• Edna : I heard you went off and became a rich doctor.

  Dr. Zoidberg : [proudly]  I've performed a few mercy killings.

• [Edna, one of Zoidberg's species, is chasing Fry romantically] 

  Edna : Teach me to love, you squishy poet from beyond the stars.

  Fry : [horrified]  I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug, you'd be way up the list.

  Edna : Hush, you romantic fool. Engage your mandibles and kiss me.

• Dr. Zoidberg : This "love" intrigues me. Teach me to fake it.

• Dr. Zoidberg : I'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange new emotion I have never felt before. Is it love when you care for a female for reasons beyond mating?

  Fry : Nope. Must be some weird, alien emotion.

• Dr. Zoidberg : The frenzy is over. How am I going to get rid of my male jelly now?

  Fry : [Waves dismembered arm]  I'll lend you this.

• Fry : Don't worry. The Lovemeister will take you under his wing.

  Dr. Zoidberg : What? Now there's a bird involved?

• Fry : Look how ridiculous they look.

  Bender : Please! He's no different from the rest of you organisms. Shooting DNA at each other to make babies. I find it offensive!

• Leela : It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material.

  Fry : You and me both, brother!

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : You must take him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.

  Fry : Oh baby. I'm THERE.

  Leela : Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?

  Fry : Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in.

• Fry : So you have to choose between life without sex and a hideous, gruesome death?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Yes.

  Fry : Man, tough call.

• [Zoidberg is trying to attract a mate] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : [screeching]  Craw.

  Female Decapodian : Keep your jelly away from my eggs.

  Dr. Zoidberg : [screeching]  Craw.

  Female Decapodian : [Valley Girl accent]  I'm *so* not interested.

  Dr. Zoidberg : [screeching]  Craw?

  Female Decapodian : [urban accent]  Hmph. I've heard *that* line before.

• Fry : Now, ask her how her day was.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Why would I want to know?

  Fry : You wouldn't. Ask anyway!

  Dr. Zoidberg : How was your day?

  Edna : Well, first I got up and had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then I went to the store to buy some fish...

  Dr. Zoidberg : Fry, look what you did! She won't shut up.

  Fry : That's normal. Just nod your head and say 'uh huh'.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Uh huh. Uh huh.

  Edna : And then you threw an octopus at my window!

• Dr. Zoidberg : [Zoidberg reading the toast that Fry has written for him]  Edna: Of all the slimy gross crab monsters on this planet, you are apparently the hottest.