- Sally Rogers: [about Laura] Oh, come on, Rob, she's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her. She knows it's you.
- Rob Petrie: [Shakes head] She thought it was him.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's what she wants you to think. She knows it was you.
- Rob Petrie: You gonna tell me about her? You may know you, but you don't know her. She thought it was him
- Sally Rogers: Well, I know her, and I know you, and I'm telling you she knows it's you.
- Rob Petrie: You think you know about us? I am part of us, and I don't know her, but I know her better than you know her, and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me!
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy.
- Rob Petrie: [after apologizing to Laura] I don't blame you for not jumping to forgive me. I'm not even asking you to forgive me. I'm not even asking you to be nice to me. I'm-I'm just asking you to let me LIVE here.
- Rob Petrie: [as Dr. Benelli] Carissima, I must see you. I must see you this afternoon for cocktails. The Casa Maria at 4.
- Laura Petrie: I'm sorry, I can't be there... I could make it at 4:30 though.
- Sally Rogers: Uh, Rob, suppose Laura shows up at the bar at 4:30.
- Rob Petrie: She won't. There's not a chance.
- Sally Rogers: Well, just suppose she does.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Then she'll be stood up.
- Rob Petrie: Look, she will not be stood up because she is not gonna be there. Now, she is my wife and I know her. I don't know why I've carried this ridiculous thing on as long as I have. I-I should've told her a long time ago and told her the truth. Believe me, when I get home tonight, I'm gonna... I'm gonna explain the whole ridiculous thing to her.
- Sally Rogers: Boy, she's gonna give it to you pretty good, Rob.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, no, not Laura. She won't say a word. For months.
- Rob Petrie: [in an Italian accent] Carissima, are you married?
- Laura Petrie: Would it make a difference?
- Rob Petrie: Eh... well, no, I... I suppose not.
- Laura Petrie: Then why ask the question?
- Rob Petrie: [Laura is singing dolce fare niente as she walks to the kitchen] Dolce fare niente. She never hummed my phone calls.
- Buddy Sorrell: Alan plays a mad bird scientist and he crosses a homing pigeon with a woodpecker. The bird doesn't only deliver the message, it knocks on the door.