The Simpsons (TV Series)
Homer the Heretic (1992)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, KBBL DJ #1, Churchgoer, Groundskeeper Willie, Curly, Krusty the Klown, Santa's Little Helper, Barney Gumble, Benjamin Franklin
Photos
Quotes
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Reverend Lovejoy : Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."
Homer : [pointing a finger] And you remember
[thinks]
Homer : Matthew... 21:17.
Reverend Lovejoy : [confused] "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"
Homer : Yeah. Think about it.
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Homer : [In bed] Ah. I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun. I never want to leave this bed. Uh oh. Gotta take a whiz. Think, man, think. Think, think, think! I better get up.
[Homer is in the bathroom, urinating]
Homer : I'm whizzing with the door open and I love it!
[Homer is in the shower]
Homer : [singing] Why, oh, why! Delight!
[washes his face]
Homer : [He turns on the radio in the shower]
KBBL DJ #1 : It's eleven KBBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm.
Homer : You bet your sweet...
[looks around]
Homer : ... ass!
[laughs]
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Homer Simpson : I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?
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Marge : I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.
Homer : [to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...
[thinks]
Homer : I forget. But the point is...
[thinks]
Homer : I forget that, too.
[to Marge]
Homer : Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car.
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Homer : [watching "The Three Stooges" on TV] Moe is their leader.
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Homer : Ah, another beautiful day in the womb.
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Homer : What's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday?... and what if we've picked the wrong religion? Every week we're just making god madder and madder.
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Homer : [phones work from Moe's bar] Hello work. I won't be in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The holiday of...
[sees a sign on the wall]
Homer : maximum occupancy.
Moe Syzlack. : Pretty slick.
Homer : You should join my religion Moe. It's great. No Heaven. No Hell.
Moe Syzlack. : Sorry Homer.
[lifts his hands which are covered in band-aids and bites]
Moe Syzlack. : I was born a snake-handler, and I'll die a snake-handler.
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Marge : Get up, Homer. It's time for church.
Homer : I don't want to go.
Marge : It's church. You have to go.
Homer : Too cold out!
[We see outside the window. It is a blizzard. A polar bear is digging through the garbage. He pulls out a fish and leaves]
Marge : I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday! Get dressed!
[She throws Homer's pants on Homer]
Homer : Oh! Stupid, itchy church pants!
[Homer is downstairs, messing with his pants]
Homer : "One size fits all," my butt!
Marge : Come on! We're going to be late!
[Homer pulls up his pants. They rip]
Homer : Forget it. I'm not going.
[Homer walks upstairs, revealing his posterior]
Marge : [Groans]
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Homer : I'm sorry. I can't come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy.
-
[doorbell rings; Homer answers the door to Krusty]
Krusty the Clown : Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was outside our convention in Lubbock, Texas.
[choking up]
Krusty the Clown : There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere!
[sobs]
Krusty the Clown : It was terrible...!
Homer : Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?
Krusty the Clown : A religious clown thing, yes.
Homer : Sorry.
Krusty the Clown : Well, bless you anyw...
[Homer shuts the door on him]
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[on Sunday, the church doors are frozen shut by the blizzard outside; as the congregation waits, Willie applies a blowtorch]
Reverend Lovejoy : How's it going, Willie?
Groundskeeper Willie : Miracles are your department, Reverend!