- Darnell Turner: Hey, Rodney, you're not a cop. Cops don't sell fake watches out of their truck.
- Joy: [looks at her watch] Dammit! I thought that said Cucci!
- Joy: I can't believe this. That grunt Rodney just got into my car and licked my steering wheel. How the hell am I supposed to get home now?
- Earl: You know the kinda guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner. Karma. That's when I realized I had to change. So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl.
- Randy Hickey: Maybe we could get Stuart to be a hero by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium and make him wrestle an octopus.
- Earl Hickey: That wouldn't make him a hero, Randy, unless the octopus was committing a crime... We're not gonna start thinking of ways to get an octopus to commit a crime 'cuz that just has failure written all over it.