- Officer Ziva David: [Eating pizza with Tony in Observation; Gibbs is interrogating Lt. Napleton] This woman is a total turd!
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Stares at Ziva, pizza in mouth]
- Officer Ziva David: A geek, yes?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The term is "nerd."
- Abby Sciuto: Rough night?
- Officer Ziva David: Is there any other kind with Gibbs?
- Abby Sciuto: It could be worse. It could be Saturday.
- Officer Ziva David: It *is* Saturday, Abby.
- Abby Sciuto: See? It just got worse. Thanks.
- [a cat runs through a home's pet door, startling Tony]
- Officer Ziva David: [laughing] Don't tell me your afraid of a little pussy... cat, Tony.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Were you serious, earlier, when you said that I smell bad?
- Officer Ziva David: [laughs] I was just kidding.
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [farts loudly] How about now?
- Officer Ziva David: [hits him] You are disgusting! You do that again and I will shoot you! Got it?
- [sniffs]
- Officer Ziva David: Oh!
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing their target appear] Start the car.
- Officer Ziva David: What good is that gonna do when you're still in it?
- [Ducky comes in and sees Jimmy and Abby starting an autopsy]
- Dr. Donald Mallard: What exactly are you two doing?
- Jimmy Palmer: Dr. Mallard!
- [stammers, then]
- Jimmy Palmer: She made me do it!
- [Abby hits him]
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes well, everything seems to be in order. Why don't you begin, Mr. Palmer, while I get changed?
- Jimmy Palmer: You're not mad?
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Work cannot stop, Mr. Palmer, because my mother's nurse elects to abandon us on a Saturday morning. I applaud your initiative.
- Abby Sciuto: So, what'd you do with your mom?
- Mrs. Victoria Mallard: [following him in] Donald! You promised me we were going for a ride!
- Dr. Donald Mallard: We *did* go for a ride, mother.
- Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Oh? Well, very well... you drive too fast, Donald.
- [as Gibbs leads Mrs. Mallard back into Autopsy]
- Mrs. Victoria Mallard: You may not believe this, but Donald was the cutest little child! He had long, curly blond hair, everyone thought he was a girl until he was twelve...
- [frowns]
- Mrs. Victoria Mallard: When his voice changed.
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Mr. Palmer, will you please chain my mother to the chair while I tell Agent Gibbs what I've found?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing McGee asleep in Abby's lab] Do you have any super glue, Abs?
- [Gibbs enters and slaps Tony's head]
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What did I tell you about that, DiNozzo?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The skin might not grow back.
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Our lieutenant suffered from a single gunshot wound, Jethro, to the right temple.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Through-and-through.
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Yeah.
- [Gibbs sees a hole in one of the books on the shelf next to the sofa]
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Impacted here.
- [opens the book]
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Round's still in the book, Duck.
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Sadly, one less reader in the world.
- Jimmy Palmer: Who committed suicide.
- [Ducky gives him a look]
- Jimmy Palmer: Or... maybe she was just cleaning her gun too close to her head?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: NCIS investigates all suicides as homicides until proven otherwise, Palmer.
- Jimmy Palmer: Got it.
- Mrs. Victoria Mallard: [to Gibbs] Matthew, I'll be expecting your call! I can't remember my phone number... but you'll get it from Donald!
- [Ducky face-palms]
- Lt. Lara Hill: [on her answering machine] Hi, this is Lara, leave a message.
- Bob: Hi, Ms. Hill, this is Bob, calling with a special offer...
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [picks up the phone] Hello, this is Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. You've called a crime scene, we're wire-tapping this phone, so please be advised that we will be contacting you at your home.
- Bob: My home?
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Any time, day or night, probably during the weekend or early in the morning.
- Bob: Wait...
- Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [hangs up] That was fun. Telemarketers - can't escape 'em even when you're dead.
- [Ducky had to bring his mother to NCIS on Saturday]
- Mrs. Victoria Mallard: [pointing to the woman on the autopsy table] Is that our housekeeper?
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Mother, Mrs. Leary left for Ireland ten years ago.
- Jimmy Palmer: [trying to shield the body from view] Hello, Mrs. Mallard!
- Mrs. Victoria Mallard: [to Ducky] Ask the boy to pour me a drink.
- Dr. Donald Mallard: Mother, Jimmy is not a servant.
- Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Oh, very well, I shall do it myself!
- [opens Ducky's drinks cabinet]
- Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Oh, lovely, single malt...
- Dr. Donald Mallard: [lowers voice] Abby, would you please, um...?
- Abby Sciuto: Of course.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Roommates are never a good idea.
- Timothy McGee: Did you ever have one Boss?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Three, McGee, they're called wives.