- Dave: So did you break up with Heidi?
- Mike: No, dad. I didn't break up with Heidi.
- Dave: What?! You didn't listen to me?
- Mike: Dad, no offence but I pretty much don't listen to anything you say ever.
- Dave: What?
- Mike: Well, you know, I listen for key words like "Dinner's ready" or "allowance" or "FIRE!" but the rest is just background noise.
- [Dave walks in on his 13-year-old son Mike, who is heavily making out with his girlfriend]
- Dave: Mike, whoa...
- Mike: Jeez, Dad, can you knock?
- Dave: Yeah, sorry. I forgot there was a reason *to* knock now, y'know, besides the old reason. Not that I ever walked in on him when he was...
- Dave: [to Mike's girlfriend] How are ya, nice to meet ya.
- [Larry is pretending to run away]
- Larry Gold: Goodbye Mom, goodbye Dad. The next time you see this face it'll probably be on a milk carton.
- Dave: [not believing Larry for a minute] Y'know, technically, they only put you on milk cartons if someone's actually looking for you.