Joan Rivers: Self

Quotes 

• [reading a list of celebrities who couldn't make it that night] 

  Joan Rivers : Paris Hilton - she's doing a new reality show: I'm a Celebrity, Get Him Out of Me... but that poor family! That poor family! To have to have your daughter doing porn at a Marriott hotel!... . Joan Collins - she's at the British museum being carbon dated, I understand that. Oh, come on, "She's very young" Please! I remember when that bitch was older than I was! No, but I gotta lot of respect for her. I love women who wear wigs and then a hat on top.

• Joan Rivers : [on exercise]  I'm Jewish - if God had wanted me to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.