American Dad! (TV Series)

Helping Handis (2006)

Seth MacFarlane: Stan Smith, Roger the Alien, Greg Corbin, Alan Greenspan

Quotes 

• Stan Smith : [Stan and Roger open the bedroom door and find Steve laying on the bed reading while a line of guys take turns feeling his breast]  Oh my god! My son's a slut!

  Roger the Alien : Oh my god! I just made that bed!

• Francine Smith : How humiliating. Hayley made me look like a total idiot.

  Stan Smith : Honey, you're not a total idiot. I mean, you got the point of the film, right?

• Roger the Alien : [to Francine]  You're a terrible cleaner. Look at this place, it's filthy!

  [makes a stain on Francine's apron] 

  Roger the Alien : Yeah, that's a big dirty "S" for "schmutz."

• Stan Smith : Steve, I can't believe you're here! The Schwartztein's house is going off! It's like a damn Ludacris video: pimp cups, shorties. It's all crunked out.

• Steve Smith : Dad, face it. I'm never gonna be popular like Vince Chung.

  Stan Smith : Don't say that! Don't ever say that! Don't you see, son? Everything's better when you're popular. Colors are brighter, jeans fit snugger. You know when you put a piece of Juicy Fruit in your mouth and for the first five seconds, it tastes so sweet and perfect like someone sprayed a little miracle on your tongue? Well, that's what being popular is like, but all the time.

• Steve Smith : [to Stan]  Damn your experimental steroids!

  Stan Smith : It's okay, son. You're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called "roid rage."

  Steve Smith : Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right.

  [opens up his bathrobe to reveal he has breasts] 

  Steve Smith : I have boobs!

  Stan Smith : Oh, my God!

  Klaus : I know. Talk about a butterface.

• Stan Smith : [to Steve after he gets breasts from the steroids]  Let's not panic. The CIA scientist gets back from vacation in a few days, so until I get the antidote, we have to keep your magnificient ta-tas underwraps.

  Steve Smith : What am I supposed to do now?

  Stan Smith : Strap 'em down with these Ace bandages. It's what Hilary Swank used to hide her breasts in "Boys Don't Cry." You know, that movie where she got what she deserved.

  [Steve gasps] 

  Stan Smith : An Oscar! And brutally sodomized...

  Steve Smith : Dad!

  Stan Smith : In a review by Derek Simms of the Detroit Free Press. Steve, is this really the time for showbiz trivia? You've got breasts!