The Nines (2007)

Melissa McCarthy: Margaret, Melissa McCarthy, Mary

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Quotes 

• Gary : Are you saying I'm God?

  Margaret : Technically, no. If God is a ten, a theoretical ultimate, that-which-no-greater-can-be-imagined, you're more of a nine.

  Gary : So what are you?

  Margaret : Humans are sevens. Monkeys are sixes.

  Gary : What are the eights?

  Margaret : Koalas. They're telepathic. Plus, they control the weather.

  Margaret : What's important is that you, you're the big cheese. El Supremo. You could destroy the world with a single thought.

• Margaret : Good night, buttface!

  Gary : Good night, you filthy whore!

• Margaret : I know who you are.

  Sarah : Really.

  Margaret : I know what you are. If you come near him again...

  Sarah : [interrupting her]  You'll what? What are you going to do about it? Hmmm? Sorry, what's he calling you?

  Margaret : Margaret.

  Sarah : I like that. Margaret. Classic.

  Margaret : Why don't you just leave him alone?

  Sarah : Alone? He can't be left alone - he's an actor. If no one's watching him, he doesn't really exist. And for the record, I'm not the one deceiving him. He'll figure it out eventually, and when he does who do you think he's going to blame?

• Margaret : You're not going to understand this yet, but we've known each other for like twenty-five years. One day when I was twelve, you called me out of the blue and we've been talking ever since.

  Gary : Talking?

  Margaret : On the phone, usually.

• Gary : This is all a dream?

  Margaret : No.

  Gary : I'm in a coma?

  Margaret : No.

  Gary : I'm dead? This is hell or purgatorium or something?

  Margaret : Okay, purgatorium is where Romans vomited, but no, this is as real as anything can be.

  Gary : What does that mean?

  Margaret : Everything is what it is. You're not who you think you are.

• Melissa : I feel so dirty.

  Gavin : That's how I like it.

• Margaret : Okay, just so it's said, this house IS flammable.

  Gary : I didn't mean to burn down my house.

  Margaret : Yeah, and I didn't mean to eat my way into a 10-year shame spiral, but I did. And it's healthier to acknowledge it.

• Margaret : Yes, he totaled a car, but it was an environmentally friendly car. Why doesn't that get reported?

• Margaret : I'm a fan of yours, you know. Your number one fan. But if you fuck this up, I'll smash your ankles with a sledgehammer!

• Margaret : I'll be coming by twice a day to check up on you. I should be the only person coming by. No pals, no buddies, no heroin dealers.

  Gary : I don't do heroin.

  Margaret : Yeah, crack is classy. Hmmm. But I'm not buying you porn. There's pay-per-view or cable.

  Gary : [sarcastically]  Great, because I really wasn't concerned about my career, family, or future. I just wanted to jerk off.

• Margaret : It's incredible.

  Gary : Whenever I see them, it's like... damn...

  Margaret : I was born at the wrong time.

• Gavin : As soon as I got back, I just feel like... I feel like there's someone else there. And then last night, I thought I heard something, like a woman singing.

  Melissa : What like a ghost? A singing ghost?

  Gavin : I guess. And then I saw something; I actually ran into someone. I saw...

  Melissa : Was it the singing ghost?

  Gavin : It was a man.

  Melissa : Oh.

  Gavin : I think it was me.

  Melissa : Your house is haunted by yourself?

• Gabriel : I guess I'm more worried about the human factor. You guys kill each other a lot.

  Mary : In fairness it's usually in your name. Plus, we've gotten much more efficient at it.

  Gabriel : I like this world. I like my life here with you and Noelle.

  Mary : It's not real. I'm not really your wife. You're not really my husband. On some level it's all pretend. How many versions were there?

  Gabriel : Ninety. This is the last one.

  Mary : Wow.

  Gabriel : I've destroyed billions of people with a thought, and you like to think that it's painless?

  Mary : Stop. You don't have to explain or apologize. Everything that is is because of you. And if that's all there is, that's enough.