- Gus: Shawn, this misplaced malevolence you have for the spelling bee is getting monotonous. Stop hating on the Bee. I'm sorry, ma'am; I do apologize for his inappropriate virulence.
- Shawn Spencer: Why are you using all these big ass words all the sudden?
- Gus: I'm not doing that. That's preposterous.
- Shawn Spencer: What if I do the talking for both of us?
- Juliet O'Hara: Have at it! Do you mind if I read the paper and stare aimlessly out the window while you two talk?
- Shawn Spencer: [laughs] No. Can I get a name to work with?
- Juliet O'Hara: Juliet.
- Shawn Spencer: Well, it's very nice to meet you, Juliet.
- Shawn Spencer: [high-pitched voice] It's nice to meet you too, Shawn, and I'm sorry about your seat, so lunch is on me. So what do you do for a living?
- Shawn Spencer: [own voice] Oh, I do a little bit of everything.
- Shawn Spencer: [high-pitched voice] Oh, that sounds interesting, and maybe a little bit dangerous. Ooh, I like your jacket! I like it a...
- Juliet O'Hara: Okay, can I stop you there? First off, in your portrayal of me, I sound like I'm in eighth grade.
- Shawn Spencer: Well, in my portrayal of you, you only have an eighth grade education.
- Juliet O'Hara: [laughs] Ha.
- Shawn Spencer: All right, I'll smarten you up. Uh... college, yeah? Top of your class, graduated early? Got it.
- Shawn Spencer: [mature female voice] I'm new to town and I don't know many people.
- [Shawn Vision of cat hairs on Juliet's shoe]
- Shawn Spencer: [mature female voice] But I do know my cats. Two of them. The gray one's very affectionate. The white one makes me work much, much harder for the attention.
- Shawn Spencer: [own voice] And what about your family?
- [Shawn Vision of family photo in Juliet's purse]
- Shawn Spencer: [mature female voice] My family's amazing. My parents have been together for... what is it, thirty years now?
- Juliet O'Hara: [startled] Okay... do we know each other?
- Shawn Spencer: Yes. You're the girl who stole my seat.
- Shawn Spencer: Give me a word.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: A word?
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah. Something hard, but something you can spell.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I can spell anything!
- Shawn Spencer: Except "aggiornamento".
- Gus: He's been the Spellmaster for 14 years; he's a legend.
- Shawn Spencer: Wow, he sits up there all by himself in a fancy box. What is he, the Phantom of the Opera?
- Shawn Spencer: [holding a bag of Chinese food] I need to know what this is.
- Henry Spencer: Looks like a number 15 with chicken.
- Shawn Spencer: [affectionately] Dad, you made a joke.
- Shawn Spencer: Still studying, huh?
- Mother: Oh, she loves it. Won't put that thing down.
- Shawn Spencer: Well, kudos on the child rearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.
- Mother: Huh?
- Shawn Spencer: [Shawn yells as he hits his leg on a desk]
- Gus: Shh!
- Shawn Spencer: I'm so sorry if my agonizing pain is inconveniencing you.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [on the spelling bee] And it teaches grace under pressure. Poise. Dignity.
- Shawn Spencer: All things you can get at a hot dog eating competition, plus... hot dogs.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: See, the problem is that butyraceous is clearly a round one word.
- Shawn Spencer: Oh God, stop talking! I'd like to pretend we still have things in common, Gus.
- [having locked out the real Spellmaster, Shawn is forced to take over his role]
- Shawn Spencer: Banana.
- Speller 118: Can you repeat that?
- Shawn Spencer: Yes. Ba-NA-na.
- Gus: [whispering] "Banana", Shawn? It's the third round.
- Shawn Spencer: [whispering] You could have helped me.
- Gus: [whispering] This is a dead end, Shawn. We're walking.
- [they start to leave the booth]
- Speller 118: Definition, please.
- Shawn Spencer: [to himself] What...?
- Shawn Spencer: [into the microphone] A yellow fruit. Also, a kind of pudding. A delicious pudding.
- Speller 118: Sentence, please.
- Shawn Spencer: [annoyed] Anna Banana would like to hear "Venus" by Bananarama. Banana!
- Speller 118: B-A-N-A-N-A. Banana.
- Carlton Lassiter: Why would we cancel?
- Juliet O'Hara: Well, a body just tumbled into the crowd.
- Carlton Lassiter: It didn't land on anybody.
- Gus: Don't eat it!
- Shawn Spencer: Do I look like an idiot?
- [bags the food]
- Gus: What, you're taking some to go?
- Shawn Spencer: Yes, for the road. In case later on I get hungry enough to eat something that might be poisoned!
- Shawn Spencer: I know who killed Elvin Cavanaugh.
- Karen Vick: Can't he just tell us to arrest someone?
- Juliet O'Hara: He does this a lot?
- Karen Vick, Carlton Lassiter: Yes!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You don't smell that?
- Shawn Spencer: I don't smell anything.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: That's because you don't have the Super Smeller!
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, you have got to stop calling your nose the "Super Smeller." If you want to nickname a body part, nickname your butt, man! Call it the "Tightbouncer" or the "Hexagon." Ladies are going to dig that, I'm telling you.
- Carlton Lassiter: [Re: Shawn] Want me to cuff him?
- Karen Vick: Why? Why would I want that?
- Carlton Lassiter: Just a suggestion.
- Shawn Spencer: Excuse me, you're in my seat.
- Juliet O'Hara: Am I?
- Shawn Spencer: Actually, yes, you are.
- Juliet O'Hara: Are you one of those weirdo compulsives who come to the same restaurant, sit in the same chair, and eat the same food every day?
- Shawn Spencer: Uh, no... no no. I was sitting right there three minutes ago, and then I went outside to get myself a paper. I ordered a juice, and... look, I made a crawling snake with the straw wrapper. You can finish it if you think you're up to the job.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: For your information, Shawn, I watch the SBC's every year.
- Shawn Spencer: Okay, for your sake and mine, stop giving the Spelling Bee hip little nicknames!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You're using his grocery list!
- Shawn Spencer: You refused to help me. Now I've got to give them something else.
- [into the microphone]
- Shawn Spencer: Mitchum.
- Speller: "Mitchum"?
- Shawn Spencer: Yes. When I go to Albertson's, I need to buy some Mitchum Ice Blast... and bananas.
- Gus: Do you know how to spell any of these words?
- Shawn Spencer: Proudly, I have never heard of any of these words. I file these words under "Things to say when I want to be ridiculed or kicked out of bed."
- Juliet O'Hara: Okay, Shawn, I'm gonna need you to do me a favor.
- Shawn Spencer: Name it.
- Juliet O'Hara: Duck!
- [pulls gun as other officers enter and arrest a suspect]
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [on the spelling bee] It's on Sports Cal2, for your information. And it's hosted by Bud Collins.
- Shawn Spencer: Really? Did they bump the car washing championships for this? And is it over soon, because I'd like to get back to the wood carving finals.
- Gus: [after Shawn locks the Spellmaster out of the building while he's smoking] You can't do that to him!
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, he has to learn some time that smoking is bad for him.
- Shawn Spencer: Not to belittle this guy's life, but this just got more interesting than the wood carving contest.
- Shawn Spencer: Kids - high school kids especially, they're just ruthless, judgmental, horrible little bastards.
- Gus: [about the Spelling Bee] I tried to get tickets, but you've got to know somebody.
- Shawn Spencer: Somebody lame.
- Gus: [about the Spelling Bee] This thing has been sold out for weeks!
- Shawn Spencer: I can see why. It moves so fast. It's like hockey with words.