"Zwei Millionen suchen einen Vater" is a German television film from 2006, so this one has its 15th anniversary next year and maybe it happened already depending on when you read this review of mine. The title literally translated means "two millions are looking for a father", sound extremely clumsy and if you think the film could be as bad as the title, then you are absolutely correct. It's probably even worse. That says it all. But first things first: The director of these 1.5 hours, minimally under, is Thomas Jacob. He has been working since the early 1980s and is retired for a decade now, so this film here was among his final career efforts. Hopefully not among his finest. I have not seen that much from him. But I still feel it is kinda sad if a fairly experienced director in his old years still works on horrible movies like this one here. And his 2000s were basically a travesty. Nothing remotely close to quality there. Cannot really blame him though, he probably wanted to cash in before his retirement and that's what he did. There is far more money to these films than you would think given the outcome and of course they are GEZ-financed, which is an absolute scandal, but let's not get into detail about that now. We move on to the writers. Yep, two. It is not too uncommon that the director is most of the time not the writer for this category of films, but it is not too often the case that there are more than one writer. There is not too much to say about Herbig. We was certainly not the driving force here. He wrote on one other film over a decade earlier and never again after this one, which is probably a good thing. What is not a good thing is that Claudia Matschulla is still writing stories after all these years. But you can't blame her, but should blame those who employ her. In any case, Matschulla started as an actress, but eventually changed positions successfully. Well, in the sense that she gets employed and not in the sense that she comes up with great art or anything. What she wrote is nothing to be proud of at all quality-wise and this especially goes out to people who still have not learnt a thing and believe that "Tatort" episodes are generally worth seeing. No help for those. Okay, we are drifting away now, so let's take a look at the cast: The failure continues there. Gehlen I am vaguely familiar with and maybe saw her in two or three other films, but I cannot go easy on her at all. She was so bad all the time from beginning to end. Literally unwatchable, did not capture the character's essence one bit I must say. Not surprising though. I said I saw her before. Frequently, it is the case with these films that the female lead is worse than everybody else, but here, despite how bad Gehlen is, I am not entirely sure. Markus Knüfken, the male lead and of course the love interest character, really hits rock bottom from beginning to end with his smug grin and maybe two face expressions from start to finish and how he drools over Gehlen's character with style and of course is also a perfect father. Enough about him. I saw him before too, but I did not remember him to be this bad honestly. The rest of the cast includes other experienced actors too, but almost nobody that is easy to recognize. Even for film buffs like myself. Maybe Kelling comes the closest. Or Stegemann. But even for a film from way over a decade ago, the cast is underwhelming to say the least. Not just in terms of performances, but also in terms of the names. They have not been part of other quality proects either.
Now let me give you a few examples in terms of specific scenes, plot inclusions and twists where this film is absolutely terrible. There sure were enough of those. One example I have to mention immediately is the revelation if Knüfken's character is the father. We have the female protagonist's mother call at the practice. Let's be clear her. She is the mother of a woman who is not related to the mother, not related to the father. Not related to the child and yet she thinks she can get the information from the test. And of course she does after initial hesitation from the employee. Via phone to make things even better. Guess what, said employee needs to be fired immediately. Where is the Ärztekammer when you need them. They should have sued right away and kept this from being shown. But hey, the man who made the test is a man (as I just stated) and these films always have an anti-male tendency, so let's not care too much about his rights really. He has to accept it anyway if he wants to be with Gehlen's character that iher mother does stuff like that. By the way, the mother felt unlikable to me from the start. Also when they ask for these people to come and see if the father is among them and she insults one guy after he leaves. On a side note, the money inclusion in the title here also feels so random because they millions were almost never referenced in the film. Only here and there to make a(n in)correct accusation that male (of course) character only cares for the money. By the way, the (not so subtle) inclusions of how the deceased mother had her hair blonde back then were not exactly a revelation either. This was of course intended to imply he is falling for Gehlen's character. The most interesting thing (the only one probably) is maybe that she has two first names. Alright, what else? Oh yes, the general setting for these central characters and the business they are taking care of was also pretty elitist and did not feel too authentic. Gehlen's character is of couese close to perfection. Successful businesswoman, takes care of her deceased best friend's daughter and the only thing missing here is a man. Well, there he is! Anything positive to say about this movie? Yep, that they did not make a sequel I think. But one is certainly one too many here already. Of course, in the end, almost everything is gone and lost again. The court is about to get a recommendation to the bad guys who only care for the money (obviously!) because the girl was too honest and the romance between Gehlen's and Knüfken's characters has also come to a halt. Sigh. But hey, this would not be an ARD (or RBB) afternoon movie if all this got solved quickly within 10-15 minutes and everybody is happy and the bys guys lose. As for the bad guys, there you could also see the usual anti-male sexism. The woman is not really evil. But the man is. And most of all, he does not want any children. How dare he. His conversation with the male protagonist (what a coincidence the two end at the same table) on this subject is also as cringeworthy as it gets with the Alimente quote (okay, that actually still better and funnier than everything else), but in this scene you can also see how the two writers here apparently really brought out the worst in each other and with that I am talking about the pelican parallel. Sigh. Complete absence of talent. This may not be a Degeto or Regina Ziegler production, but it is just as bad. It all feels so fake and unauthentic and unrealistic. Also early on how Knüfken's character is there the exact moment when the two women arrive at the practice. Okay, to close my review, one reference back to the chatty woman from the practice that I mentioned early on. On the phone she says that he is not the father? Really? Really??? But we need the 100% happy ending against every kind of realism. So what do they do? Bring back this character at the end to randomly show up and apologize that there has been a mix-up and the actual result is positive. He is the father. Okay, enough is enough. This was maybe the most ridiculous character in film history honestly and she even needed two scenes and no more than 100 seconds of screen time (probably considerably less) to "achieve" this questionable honor. This film is a disaster. Oh yes one thing I forgot how the little girl runs away for a little while. Kids do that a lot in these kind of films. And it almost never feels authentic. Same applies here. This is a film that never should have been made, never should have been aired and there is no justification at all for it to be shown almost 15 years later. Skip under any circumstance! Unwatchable film.
Now let me give you a few examples in terms of specific scenes, plot inclusions and twists where this film is absolutely terrible. There sure were enough of those. One example I have to mention immediately is the revelation if Knüfken's character is the father. We have the female protagonist's mother call at the practice. Let's be clear her. She is the mother of a woman who is not related to the mother, not related to the father. Not related to the child and yet she thinks she can get the information from the test. And of course she does after initial hesitation from the employee. Via phone to make things even better. Guess what, said employee needs to be fired immediately. Where is the Ärztekammer when you need them. They should have sued right away and kept this from being shown. But hey, the man who made the test is a man (as I just stated) and these films always have an anti-male tendency, so let's not care too much about his rights really. He has to accept it anyway if he wants to be with Gehlen's character that iher mother does stuff like that. By the way, the mother felt unlikable to me from the start. Also when they ask for these people to come and see if the father is among them and she insults one guy after he leaves. On a side note, the money inclusion in the title here also feels so random because they millions were almost never referenced in the film. Only here and there to make a(n in)correct accusation that male (of course) character only cares for the money. By the way, the (not so subtle) inclusions of how the deceased mother had her hair blonde back then were not exactly a revelation either. This was of course intended to imply he is falling for Gehlen's character. The most interesting thing (the only one probably) is maybe that she has two first names. Alright, what else? Oh yes, the general setting for these central characters and the business they are taking care of was also pretty elitist and did not feel too authentic. Gehlen's character is of couese close to perfection. Successful businesswoman, takes care of her deceased best friend's daughter and the only thing missing here is a man. Well, there he is! Anything positive to say about this movie? Yep, that they did not make a sequel I think. But one is certainly one too many here already. Of course, in the end, almost everything is gone and lost again. The court is about to get a recommendation to the bad guys who only care for the money (obviously!) because the girl was too honest and the romance between Gehlen's and Knüfken's characters has also come to a halt. Sigh. But hey, this would not be an ARD (or RBB) afternoon movie if all this got solved quickly within 10-15 minutes and everybody is happy and the bys guys lose. As for the bad guys, there you could also see the usual anti-male sexism. The woman is not really evil. But the man is. And most of all, he does not want any children. How dare he. His conversation with the male protagonist (what a coincidence the two end at the same table) on this subject is also as cringeworthy as it gets with the Alimente quote (okay, that actually still better and funnier than everything else), but in this scene you can also see how the two writers here apparently really brought out the worst in each other and with that I am talking about the pelican parallel. Sigh. Complete absence of talent. This may not be a Degeto or Regina Ziegler production, but it is just as bad. It all feels so fake and unauthentic and unrealistic. Also early on how Knüfken's character is there the exact moment when the two women arrive at the practice. Okay, to close my review, one reference back to the chatty woman from the practice that I mentioned early on. On the phone she says that he is not the father? Really? Really??? But we need the 100% happy ending against every kind of realism. So what do they do? Bring back this character at the end to randomly show up and apologize that there has been a mix-up and the actual result is positive. He is the father. Okay, enough is enough. This was maybe the most ridiculous character in film history honestly and she even needed two scenes and no more than 100 seconds of screen time (probably considerably less) to "achieve" this questionable honor. This film is a disaster. Oh yes one thing I forgot how the little girl runs away for a little while. Kids do that a lot in these kind of films. And it almost never feels authentic. Same applies here. This is a film that never should have been made, never should have been aired and there is no justification at all for it to be shown almost 15 years later. Skip under any circumstance! Unwatchable film.
