- Jasper: Same reason I don't let amateurs cut my hair, they make mistakes!
- Tatiana: It was not mistake.
- Jasper: Yeah well you better pray I find that ear lobe.
- Tatiana: He won't mind. Jasper is too much sissie to be a real criminal, this is why we live in cement closet. Bring me to this truck and I will buy with my own money I steal from Jasper.
- Joy: I like you. If I could ever get used to staring at that thing on your face we could hang out.
- [at the Crabshack, Joy is playing a game of pool against an unnamed female opponent as Earl looks on]
- Earl: [voiceover] When we were married, I wasn't very good at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers.
- Joy: Twelve ball, side pocket.
- [Joy's opponent fouls the shot by hitting Joy's pool cue]
- Joy: Okay: do it again, and I'm gonna pop those boobie implants of yours, make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon.
- Earl: It was an accident, Joy...
- [leers at opponent's chest]
- Earl: I think they're real.
- Joy: [angered] Oh, so you're on *her* side?
- [Joy has stolen a truck from the Bargain Bag store because they wouldn't refund her $3000]
- Earl: [horrified] Stole a truck?
- Joy: [adamant] Because they wouldn't give me my money back! It was a crime of principal like when Rosa Parks stole that bus!
- Earl: They wouldn't even give you a store credit?
- Joy: No.
- Earl: That doesn't seem fair.
- Joy: Thank you! Which is why you have to help me sell the truck.
- Earl: Sell the truck... Joy, that's against the law.
- Joy: Earl, this is not about the law. It's about right and wrong, and isn't that what your list is about, rights and wrongs? Doing unto others all that Robin Hood/Batman/Jesus stuff?
- Earl: Well you got a good point. The store DID do you wrong. I don't know if Jesus or Batman would sell a truck, but Robin Hood might. Okay, I'll do it. But you're not getting a penny more than three thousand dollars.
- Joy: Of course not! That would be wrong...
- [Earl and Randy are in bed]
- Earl: Randy, do you think it's my fault joy went to jail? Randy?
- Randy: I'm tryin' to sleep Earl; can't this wait 'til morning?
- Earl: You woke me up last night to ask if monkeys ever worry about their looks.
- Randy: Oh yeah, sorry. Do you think they do?
- Earl: I already told you; if they worried about their looks they'd wear pants.
- Earl: 'Night Randy.
- Randy: 'Night Earl.
- [At the Crabshack, Joy is playing a game of pool against an unnamed female opponent as Earl looks on]
- Earl: [voiceover] When we were married, I wasn't very good at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers.
- Joy: Twelve ball, side pocket.
- [Joy's opponent fouls the shot by hitting Joy's pool cue]
- Joy: Okay: do it again, and I'm gonna pop those boobie implants of yours, make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon.
- Earl: It was an accident, Joy...
- [leers at opponent's chest]
- Earl: I think they're real.
- Joy: [angered] Oh, so you're on HER side?
- Jasper: [Looking at the picture of the Bargain Bag truck Joy stole] Not going to buy it.
- Joy: Why not?
- Jasper: Because I can't sell it.
- Joy: What! You once tried to sell an Iranian baby on the Internet.
- Jasper: Yeah, but he didn't have 'Iranian Baby' tattooed on his forehead.
- Joy: Please; like they wouldn't find out he was Iranian when he started talking.
- Jasper: Besides, you're an amateur and I don't buy from amateurs for the same reason I don't let amateurs cut my hair
- [staring at Natalia]
- Jasper: , because they make mistakes.
- Natalia: It was not mistake.
- Jasper: Well, you just better hope I find that earlobe.
- Randy: I'm making a list of rich people with a million dollars we can borrow, for Joy's bail.
- Earl: [Reading Randy's list] The Beverly Hillbilly's.
- Randy: They're super rich.
- Earl: They're pretend, Randy! Just like Richie Rich and Donald Trump, they're just TV characters.
- Randy: Well... the Jeffersons are real, right? 'Cause we saw Mr. Jefferson at the boat show last year. Remember we gave hm a dollar to say "Weezy"?